


Carmen Sandiego OneShots

by MagicPencil2



Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Domestic Fluff, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, NOTHING SEASON 4 RELATED UNTIL FEBURARY, No season 4 spoilers, Shipping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 30,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21809284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicPencil2/pseuds/MagicPencil2
Summary: Some fluff, some ships, some crazy shenanigans, some AUs, and some just downright crack!This is based on the Nexflix rebootRequests will be taken
Relationships: Dr. Saira Bellum/Countess Cleo (Carmen Sandiego), El Topo | Antonio/Le Chèvre | Jean-Paul, Ivy & Zack (Carmen Sandiego), Julia "Jules" Argent/Carmen Sandiego, Maelstrom/Shadowsan, Player & Carmen Sandiego | Black Sheep
Comments: 105
Kudos: 462





	1. Intro

Bonjour! Welcome to my Carmen San Diego One Shots book!

I hands down love this series, not gonna lie, and firmly believe it to be one of the three in the LGBTQ+ Netflix Holy Trinity. These amazing characters deserve to be adored.

This book will be comprised of random oneshots, Alternate Universe ideas, and ship prompts (Requests will be taken) from this wonderful show.

Feel free to tag any story you have written or have read that pertains to the Carmen San Diego Fandom. The more publicity in this small fandom, the better!

Labels

Fluff, AU, Crack, Ship, Headcanon

All will say in the title.

I'm really into this fandom y'all, so here goes nothin'!

See ya!

MagicPencil2


	2. Crack- VILE Texting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes I am aware of the "NO PHONES" rule in VILE.
> 
> This slight AU takes place in a VILE where phones are allowed and texting is normal, with group chats and public notices locked in a special Communications App made by Dr. Bellum. Based on the first season only, takes place between Black Sheep leaving the Isle and Crackle being sent to find her.

Usernames  
Dr. Bellum- crazy_cat_lover_of_science  
Coach Brunt- Texas_Proud💖  
Countess Cleo- countess_cleo  
Professor Maelstrom- Phyco_Analysis  
Shadowsan- shadowsan  
Carmen SanDiego- San_Fransisco  
El Topo- tunnel_puns🙂  
Le Chevre- mountain_goat  
Tigress- jungle_cat  
Crackle- Ghram_Crackle  
Mime Bomb- Mime_Bomb💣  
Paper Star- Tammy_Origami

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Texas_Proud💖 has opened the chat-

Texas_Proud💖- Remember we have a Faculty meeting in a few minutes

shadowsan- Couldn't you have just messaged the Faculty group chat rather than creating a new one?

Texas_Proud💖- Accidentally deleted the old one while attempting to text 🤷

Phyco_Analysis- I am already in the meeting room

Shadowsan- Where are Dr. Bellum and Countess Cleo?

Texas_Proud💖- Staff room, sleeping

Shadowsan- Did you not wake them up?

Texas_Proud💖- Nah, didn't have the heart

Texas_Proud💖- *Attachment: 1 image*

(Picture of Bellum and Cleo sleeping on a small couch, Bellum snuggled into Cleo's chest)

Phyco_Analysis- They make such a lovely couple

Countess_Cleo- Thanks

Texas_Proud💖- !!! You're awake?

Countess_Cleo- Your constant texting woke me up

Shadowsan- Then please make your way to the Faculty meeting

Countess_Cleo- Sorry, I currently can not move

Phyco_Analysis- Why not?

Countess_Cleo- *Attachment: One image*

(a selfie taken of Cleo with Bellum still fast asleep on her chest)

Texas_Proud💖- Oh

Countess_Cleo- I'm letting her sleep, poor thing hasn't slept properly in days

Shadowsan- Well, you never are supposed to move when a cat falls asleep on you

Texas_Proud💖- DID YOU JUST MAKE A JOKE!?!

Phyco_Alaysis- I must be crazy, but I think he just did

Countess_Cleo- You're criminally insane Maelstrom, but yes

Texas_Proud💖- OLD STONE FACE MADE A JOKE!!!!

Countess_Cleo- She's my kitten~

Texas_Proud💖- Jeez Cleo

Phyco_Alaysis- Does she purr?

Shadowsan- We are professional criminals. We must stay serious.

Countess_Cleo-No, but she does like to be pet

Shadowsan- Why do I even bother

Texas_Proud💖- Awww

Phyco_Alaysis- Happy 16 year anniversary Cleo

Countess_Cleo- Thank you, I can not believe my dearest and I have been together that long

Shadowsan- The meeting was supposed to start a few minutes ago

Countess_Cleo- I need to sneeze

Countess_Cleo- but I can't bear to wake her up

Texas_Proud💖- hold it in Cleo!

Countess_Cleo- I can't!

Phyco_Alaysis- Rest in Peace Saira's nap

Countess_Cleo- I woke her up...

Shadowsan- Pathetic

Countess_Cleo- Saira woke up and mumbled "What decade is it?" then fell of the couch

Texas_Proud💖- LOL

Shadowsan- Can we PLEASE get on to the meeting now?

Phyco_Alaysis- Let them get here on there own time

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- The lights are too bright

Texas_Proud💖- Welcome back to the land of the living Bellum

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- Morning

Shadowsan- It is 3:57pm

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- It's 5am somewhere

Phyco_Alaysis- Sleep well?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- Nope, never do

Texas_Proud💖-But you feel asleep on Cleo just fine

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- Shut up

Phyco_Alaysis- You two are adorable

Shadowsan- Where is Cleo?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- Bathroom

Texas_Proud💖- Spill it, you're sleeping together, aren't ya?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- Well yeah, she's my wife

Countess_Cleo- Obviously we sleep together~

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- CLEO!

Texas_Proud💖- LOL

Shadowsan- Honestly, what the heck

Phyco_Alaysis- They're Lesbians, Shadowsan

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- So who made this chat?

Texas_Proud💖- I did?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- Did you intend to make it public?

Shadowsan- BRUNT!

Phyco_Analysis- Oh dear lord

Countess_Cleo- Oh no

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science- I will take that as a no...

Ghram_Crackle- Guess the jig is up

Mountain_Goat- It was an interesting conversation

Tunnel_puns🙂- I didn't know you and Dr. Bellum were involved Cleo

Jungle_cat- "They're lesbians Shadowsan"😂

Ghram_Crackle- Same vibe as "They're cultists Ryan"

Tunnel_puns🙂- LOL

Phyco_Analysis- Well this isn't ideal

Countess_Cleo- ****!

Texas_Proud💖: CLEO! watch yer ****IN' LANGUAGE!

Ghram_Crackle: Hey Dr. Bellum, did you set the censor?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Just a quick hack 😉

Tunnel_puns🙂: Did Countess Cleo just cuss?

Jungle_cat: Looks like the curseword censor is on

Mountain_Goat: test it

Jungle_cat: ****

Texas_Proud💖: CURSE WORDS ARE NOW ILLEGAL

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Heck

Texas_Proud💖: YOU'RE ON ****ING THIN ICE BELLUM!

Texas_Proud💖: wait

Texas_Proud💖: Oh no

Texas_Proud💖: ****!

Ghram_Crackle: RIP

Jungle_cat: Professor Maelstrom, are you okay? You look annoyed

Tunnel_puns🙂: You can see him?

Jungle_cat: He's in the hallway outside the library staring at the ceiling like it offended him

Countess_Cleo: He is straight up rabid crazy

Phyco_Analysis: Crazy people don't know they're crazy, I know I'm crazy, therefore I'm not crazy. Isn't that crazy????

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Madness in its purest form

Mountain_Goat: Did you guys hear that...smashing noise?

Ghram_Crackle: That may have been me

Ghram_Crackle: Hey Dr. Bellum, a little help?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: On my way

Jungle_cat: Mime Bomb, what are you doing? You've been awfully quiet.

Mime_Bomb💣: Stealing everyone's socks

Jungle_cat: Oh

Shadowsan: Do not attempt to steal from the Faculty

Tammy_Origami: Steal my stuff and you die

Ghram_Crackle: Looks like SOMEONE is finally done being an anti-social goth kid hiding from everyone in the closet. Get out from under the bed every once in a while ya hobgoblin

Tammy_Origami: Shut the **** up sparky *****. You know **** well I won't hesitate to end your ****ing life. Get your head out your *** every once in while and maybe you wouldn't suck so much.

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Jeez

Texas_Proud💖: Is...is that normal?

Jungle_cat: Sadly, yes

Countess_Cleo: Are we just delaying the meeting

Texas_Proud💖: Apparently

Phyco_Analysis: Dr. Bellum, why is there smoke coming from the helicopter landing?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Why do you think I know

Phyco_Analysis: I can see you and Crackle messing around

Ghram_Crackle: Oops

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: ...we may be launching bottle rockets...

Tunnel_puns🙂: Well that seems fine

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: ...full of sparklers...

Mountain_Goat: Less okay

Ghram_Crackle: They may have exploded violently

Texas_Proud💖: Wow

Shadowsan: You two should be ashamed of yourselves

Ghram_Crackle: We really should be

Countess_Cleo: You're not though

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Nope

Ghram_Crackle: Not in the slightest

Phyco_Analysis: Stop exploding things in the name of science

Tunnel_puns🙂: ...what were you doing before you asked Dr. Bellum for help Crackle?

Ghram_Crackle: Trying to make fireworks

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: We got sidetracked

Ghram_Crackle: Again

Tunnel_puns🙂: Why were you trying to make fireworks?

Ghram_Crackle: For SCIENCE!!!!

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Crackle look to your left

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Your other left

Ghram_Crackle: I'll do it if you do it

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: You're on

Texas_Proud💖: What are you doing now

Phyco_Analysis: I've lost sight of them

Mountain_Goat: I see them

Tunnel_puns🙂: Me too

Tunnel_puns🙂: OMG I'm joining this

Countess_Cleo: Wherever the goat goes, the mole is sure to follow

Tunnel_puns🙂: What are you insinuating

Jungle_Cat: Crackle WTF

Phyco_Analysis: So....what are they doing

Jungle_Cat: All FOUR of them are having a lightsaber battle with PVC pipes

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: You could join us

Jungle_Cat: How are you fending off operatives and texting at the same time?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: My wicked skills

Ghram_Crackle: I'm helping!

Ghram_Crackle: oh heck that looks like it hurt

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Tigress are you okay?

Mountain_Goat: Tigress did get the velocity of the PVC pipe El Topo just threw

Ghram_Crackle: DUDE! It just hit her in the face! Of course she didn't!

Jungle_Cat: It was going at like, the speed of fast

Tunnel_puns🙂: Can we have an exact measurement please

Jungle_Cat: So many

Texas_Proud💖: Very expressive

Countess_Cleo: Is Tigress okay?

Ghram_Crackle: She didn't protect the face

Phyco_Analysis: Are you guys....screaming???

Tunnel_puns🙂: Shadowsan doesn't look happy

Ghram_Crackle: On the move with Dr. Bellum!

Texas_Proud💖: Where the **** are you Bellum?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Riding a dragon in the netherworld

Texas_Proud💖: Still not answering my question

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Look, I wasn't planning on going for a run, but Shadowsan came out of no where with his sword

Countess_Cleo: Stop annoying Shadowsan

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Tell him to give me back my PVC pipe

Phyco_Analysis: Just get another one

Shadowsan: stop encouraging her

Texas_Proud💖: HE SPEAKS

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Tigress mentioned...lightsabers

Jungle_Cat: Yeah???

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: What are lightsabers?

Ghram_Crackle: YOU DONT KNOW WHAT LIGHTSABERS ARE????

Jungle_Cat: Have you ever seen Star Wars?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Nope

Phyco_Analysis: What is "Star Wars"?

Countess_Cleo: Never heard of it

Tunnel_puns🙂: Star Wars?

Mountain_Goat: Oh mon aime...

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Oh my gosh Crackle just fainted!

Jungle_Cat: May the force be with him

Tammy_Origami: The strain of you all being uncultured has killed him

Mountain_Goat: We are watching it. Tommorrow. 7pm. Group movie night. 

Jungle_Cat: NO ONE WILL BE UNCULTURED IF I CAN HELP IT

Countess_Cleo: Jeez, you guys have strong feelings about this Star Wars

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

-Private Message- Saira Bellum and Crackle

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Where did you go??? You where just UNCONSCIOUS!

Ghram_Crackle: NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

Ghram_Crackle: Can you hack the Messaging System?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: I built it, of COURSE I can hack it

Ghram_Crackle: And change people's usernames?

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees????

Ghram_Crackle: Hack the current and give me admin access

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Give me one good reason

Ghram_Crackle: To troll everyone

Crazy_cat_lover_of_science: Good enough for me!

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

-Ghram_Crackle is now admin of the chat-

-Texas_Proud💖 has been removed from admin-

-Ghram_Crackle renamed the chat-

Phyco_Analysis: ?

Jungle_Cat: "VILE Chummy Chum Chums"????

Tunnel_puns🙂: Wired flex but okay

-Ghram_Crackle renamed users (11)-

I_love_the_goat_OTP: BRUH

spoopykittenfromhell: EXCUSE ME???

phycotic_king_of_creepy: Crackle, change it back

yeehaw_country_coach: **** straight!

Countess_fashionista: rude

I_love_the_mole_OTP: UnfOUnDed ACcuSiONs

stabby_bastard⭐: You must crave death sparky boy

circus_bombs.com/charades: 🤷

old_stone_face: CRACKLE!

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: dfguidtyubvcdjasdfghj

zappyzappyboomboomman: Bellum, are you okay?

I_love_the_mole_OTP: She's laughing so hard she fell out of her chair

circus_bombs.com/charades: I don't how I feel about this

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: THIS IS THE BEST!

I_love_the_goat_OTP: Crackle, do you...SHIP...Le chevre and I???

zappyzappyboomboomman: You ship yourselves

I_love_the_mole_OTP: Oh.

I_love_the_goat_OTP: Well ouch. I guess we were obvious

spoopykittenfromhell: We've known you've been dating for months

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Why do you think we keep sending you two together?

Countess_fashionista: you two are the #1 couple in VILE

yeehaw_country_coach: Gotta say, y'all should kiss

phycotic_king_of_creepy: Brunt, really

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: I think Shadowsan is pouting

yeehaw_country_coach: LOL

zappyzappyboomboomman: OMG I SEE TOPO AND CHEVRE MAKING OUT

spoopykittenfromhell: NICE!

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: 💖

yeehaw_country_coach: YES!

phycotic_king_of_creepy: They're very cute aren't they

yeehaw_country_coach: And now we owe Maelstrom $20

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Dang, we lost

phycotic_king_of_creepy: I just predicted it correctly

spoopykittenfromhell: You guys all share money, it's all connected to VILE. Why would you bet with such small amounts?

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: It's symbolic

phycotic_king_of_creepy: A symbol for how much you SUCK at betting

I_love_the_goat_OTP: Oof

spoopykittenfromhell: Press (F) to pay respects

I_love_the_mole_OTP: F

I_love_the_goat_OTP: F

zappyzappyboomboomman: SO SHADOWSAN IS TRYING TO FIND ME TO CHANGE THE NAMES BACK

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: get in my lab! The door is unlocked

old_stone_face: DO NOT HELP HIM!

yeehaw_country_coach: LOL

Countess_fashionista: Bellum, are you crazy? Shadowsan can break in easily!

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: I can keep him out for a little bit

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: But I'm not crazy, I'm just special

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Wait no, maybe I am crazy...

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Hold on, I need to talk to myself about this

phycotic_king_of_creepy: Now who's crazy

yeehaw_country_coach: Both of you

spoopykittenfromhell: You realize you are taking partial responsibility for this in Shadowsan's eyes

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: You know, I've learned with great power comes great responsibility

I_love_the_goat_OTP: Pfft

I_love_the_mole_OTP: You're going to be responsible?

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: LOL no

zappyzappyboomboomman: I went the wrong way

zappyzappyboomboomman: I'm stuck, the door locked behind me. Looks like a storage room.

yeehaw_country_coach: The chemical storage room?

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Throw the green test tube at the door

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: It should be safe

zappyzappyboomboomman: How sure are you

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Pretty sure

zappyzappyboomboomman: Need more than a pretty sure

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Like 75% really pretty sure that it won't kill you

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Or give you radioactive poisoning

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Or blind you

zappyzappyboomboomman: Very reassuring

yeehaw_country_coach: LOL

I_love_the_goat_OTP: Crackle, did you throw the vile

spoopykittenfromhell: A vile of vile substance made my VILE

I_love_the_mole_OTP: LOL

zappyzappyboomboomman: Yes, why?

I_love_the_goat_OTP: You burned a hole through the floor

I_love_the_mole_OTP: RIP

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Oops

San_Francisco: So...I finally manage to connect to the cell connection of VILE...and can only find this??

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: :0!!!

zappyzappyboomboomman: BLACK SHEEP!

yeehaw_country_coach: HOW DID YOU GET IN???

phycotic_king_of_creepy: This is a disaster

stabby_bastard⭐: GTFO

zappyzappyboomboomman: Wait, it's an opportunity!

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Do it

San_Francisco: Do what

spoopykittenfromhell: Do it

yeehaw_country_coach: Do it

San_Francisco: DO WHAT?!?

I_love_the_goat_OTP: It.

phycotic_king_of_creepy: Any suggestions for Crackle?

spoopykittenfromhell: Little *****

I_love_the_goat_OTP: That's just mean

I_love_the_mole_OTP: Some play on words?

yeehaw_country_coach: Lambkins

San_Francisco: WHAT?????

zappyzappyboomboomman: A nod to your sickest burn Tigress

\- zappyzappyboomboomman renamed user (1)-

Lambkins/Fedora_the_Explorer: ???

spoopykittenfromhell: YES

phycotic_king_of_creepy: Fitting

I_love_the_goat_OTP: LOL

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: 👍

circus_bombs.com/charades: 👏

Lambkins/Fedora_the_Explorer: I'm concerned

Lambkins/Fedora_the_Explorer: And annoyed

yeehaw_country_coach: What cha' gonna do, text us insults?

I_love_the_mole_OTP: It's not like we can do anything but annoy the **** out of you

stabby_bastard⭐: Which we will gladly do

zappyzappyboomboomman: Fedora-dora-dora the explorer!!!

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: Hold on

yeehaw_country_coach: Oh no

phycotic_king_of_creepy: Get down

Countess_fashionista: Take cover!!! Bellum's got an idea!!!

inventions_making_stuff_more_deader: *Attachment: 1 image* (a picture of Dora with Carmen's hat poorly photoshopped on)

I_love_the_goat_OTP: XD

zappyzappyboomboomman: Perfect

yeehaw_country_coach: Special thanks to Tigress for that BURN!

Lambkins/Fedora_the_Explorer: ....

Lambkins/Fedora_the_Explorer: I'm just going to

-Lambkins/Fedora_the_Explorer has left the chat-

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Hope y'all enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing this

Yes, I wrote this in school instead of working

No, I'm not sorry

I had finished all my work anyway

This MIGHT have a part 2 (I haven't decided yet)

yeet


	3. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some internet inspire crack for y'all

Brunt: I have a plan  
Bellum: (p+l)(a+n)= pa+pl+la+ln. I just foiled your plan  
Brunt: Get out  
—————————————  
Crackle: My grad just went from an A to a D.  
El Topo: How does that even happen??  
Tigress: It happened to me in 9th grade  
Black Sheep: Lol  
Le Chevre: I need new friends   
—————————————  
Crackle: Apparently McDonalds DOES serve breakfast after 10:30 if you bring a gun  
Tigress: WTF DUDE  
Crackle: Mmm pancakes  
————————————-  
Bellum: Crackle, you're late  
Bellum: Again  
Crackle: I JUST ACCIDENTALLY ADOPTED FIVE CATS!  
Bellum: I GET ONE!  
————————————  
Bellum: Hey, do you want to know the mathematical probability of us dying from various causes, VILE and non-VILE related before the year ends?  
Cleo: You did the MATH??  
——————————————  
Maelstrom: Do not respond to this statement   
Cleo: Ok  
Brunt: Sure  
Shadowsan: *noncommital grunt*  
Bellum: *various cat noises*  
Maelstrom: *facepalm*  
———————————  
Black Sheep: *screws up*  
Black Sheep: Welp, guess I kill myself  
Cleo: OH MY GOD NO YOU WILL NOT  
Maelstrom: There is bleach in the top drawer  
Bellum: Or a rope in the closet if you want options  
Cleo: NO, DO NOT ENCOURAGE THEM! WE NEED TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY THEY MIGHT HURT THEMSELVES!  
Brunt: Have some style Lambkins, jump out the window.  
Cleo: NO!!! Shadowsan tell them to stop!  
Shadowsan: Do a flip  
Cleo: *unholy screaming*  
———————————

Maelstrom: If you are ever at a loss for what to say, just look at the person and say 'so-it has come to this.'

Brunt: brb

Brunt: just got slapped by Cleo

Maelstrom: That is the ONE person you do NOT say that to

\-------------------------

Bellum: If you rearrange the letters in TWELVE PLUS ONE you get ELEVEN PLUS TWO

Shadowsan: You are causing me physical pain please stop

___________________

Tigress: Great. The ONE time I need to go to Walmart, I can't. This is all your fault.

Crackle: You're one to talk

Tigress: I wasn't even TRYING to cause trouble for once, but GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? You're fault.

Crackle: YOU'RE the one who touched the inflatable mattress with your claws

Tigress: You pushed me into it!

Crackle: I told you not to touch it. And what did you do? You touched it. You're fault.

Tigress: I FELL ON IT WHEN YOU PUSHED ME

Crackle: Well SOMEONE'S having a hissy fit

_______________________

Zack: Are you done yet?

Ivy: Hello? Carmen?

Zack: We've been waiting here FOREVER

Ivy: Our hair is starting to go gray waiting for you

Player: Actually, red heads don't go gray, they simply loses pigment and their hair goes white

Zack: Don't you use logic against us

_______________________

Zack: woah

Zack: Okay so I just realized when someone tells you to 'hold your horses' they want you to 'be stable'

Player: LOL

Player: I thought you had just realized you are 17 missed calls from Ivy and 6 from Carmen

Zack: wait WHAT

________________________

Le Chevre: If I spoke my mind right now I'd be in deep trouble

El Topo: Where are you right now?

Le Chevre: A Faculty Meeting

Tigress: DO IT

_________________________

Crackle: So..uh..

Crackle: I had this brilliant idea of changing my password last night at 2am, and didn't right it down because there was NO WAY I could forget this, and now I'm locked out

Bellum: Try 'ghramcrackle'

Crackle: ...

Crackle: Thank you all knowing one

_________________________

Crackle: you can tell a lot about a women's mood from her hands. For example, if Tigress is holding her claws to your throat, she's probably angry

El Topo: WHAT DID YOU DO

_________________________

Carmen: What is Zack doing?

Zack: (Pulling on a push door)

Ivy: His best

________________________

Brunt: I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Maelstrom: You could be joking or dead serious and it honestly wouldn't surprise me

_________________________

El Topo: I have a plan!

Le Chevre: Is it a GOOD plan?

El Topo: ....I have a plan

__________________________

Paper Star: So today I learned if you kill someone on international waters on an unregistered boat then throw the body overboard, the governments can't trace it to one legal system so you can't be condemned for the murder

Black Sheep: So what did you do today

Paper Star: :)

_____________________________

Crackle: You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold

Tigress: You don't say

______________________________

Bellum: I'm bored

Maelstrom: This could get dangerous

______________________________

Maelstrom: Cleo banned me from the kitchen again

Brunt: What did you do this time?

Maelstrom: Microwaved a highlighter

Bellum: Coward. I lit 100 caprisuns on fire just to see what would happen

Shadowsan: Fire. Fire is what will happen

Bellum: What if I lit 1000 caprisuns surrounded by highlighters on fire?!?

Cleo: FIRE IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN

Maelstrom: Unclear and unproven. Do it.

Cleo: NO!

Bellum: To late

Brunt: How did you do that so fast?

Maelstom: Oh don't worry it's still burning

Shadowsan: I can not believe you guys

_________________________

Ivy: This is ridiculous

Ivy: We are constantly facing death trying to take down VILE

Ivy: But when we're alone at the base, every noise is a serial killer

Zack: DID YOU HEAR THAT CRASH

Ivy: OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT

___________________________

Paper Star: Paper soaks up blood better than anyone gives it credit for.

Maelstrom: ok

_________________________

Crackle: Apparently you can't be employed at the CIA if you've ever illegally downloaded music

Bellum: Oh, that's why my application never went through

Crackle: ...you have multiple murder convictions and are a part of a multi-million dollar evil corporation

Bellum: Minor detail

_____________________

Crackle: Pick up googly eyes, paint, and pipe cleaners

Crackle: We are doing crafts today

El Topo: I thought we had a mission in a few minutes

Crackle: Shut up we're doing crafts today

_______________________

El Topo: Come on

Le Chevre: no

El Topo: por favor?

Le Chevre: no

El Topo: por favor

Le chevre: no

El Topo: .....por favor?

Le Chevre: *sigh* alright

_______________________

Brunt: If someone gets nosy..just..you know..punch 'em

Maelstrom: Punch them?

Brunt: politely

______________________

Le Chevre: calm down

Crackle: NO

Crackle: I'M STICKY

Crackle: STICKY I TELL YOU

El Topo: Crackle, no one has ever died from being sticky

Crackle: YEAH, WELL THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

_________________________

Maelstrom: So we can either bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes, or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute

Brunt: wait no

Maelstrom: so...more?

Brunt: no you phycopath

Bellum: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?

Brunt: YOU TWO ARE GOING TO GET YOURSELVES BANNED FROM THE KITCHEN AGAIN

Bellum: WE ARE GOING TO HARNESS THE FREAKING SUN TO MAKE OUR COOKIES

Cleo: YOU TWO ARE WHY WE DON'T HAVE NICE THINGS

____________________________

Hey y'all, I hope you enjoyed this shitpost drop

If you want a sequel, please let me know


	4. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More crack

Bellum: nO BAD IDEA

Crackle: Look, if no one has come from the future to stop us how bad of an idea can it be??

Bellum: ...good point lets go

______________________

Maelstrom: I know the voices in my head aren't real, but they come up with some GREAT ideas

Bellum: LOL I feel that

Maelstrom: But sometimes I'm afraid of what I come up with...

Bellum: I'm more afraid of what we come up with together when we are left unsupervised for more then three minutes

Maelstrom: True

____________________

Bellum: Shouldn't you wait for adult supervision?

Crackle: ...

Bellum: Oh wait

Bellum: OH HECK I'M THE ADULT SUPERVISION

___________________

Ivy: BRO why are my nails painted?

Zack: Because that was the prank

Ivy: no they are literally painted

Zack: yes I know, we both just painted them

Ivy: NO I DON'T MEAN THE NAILS YOU USE WITH A HAMMER WE PAINTED TO PRANK CARMEN I MEAN MY PHYSICAL ONE

Ivy: MY ACTUAL FINGER NAILS

Zack: JEEZ over react much?

Ivy: YOU PAINTED THEM "SUGAR DADDY PINK"

Zack: Yet you know it's name

Ivy: IM GOING TO KILL YOU

Ivy: they don't even look good

Zack: I thought I did a good job...

Ivy: why woNT IT COME OFF

Ivy: ZACK ITS NOT COMING OFF

Ivy: ZACK WHAT DID YOU DO

Zack: Oops sorry, player's calling me, gotta go

Ivy:OH NO YOU FUCKING DONT

_____________________

Zack: So...Carmen, Shadowsan, and Ivy are gone...

Player: yup

Zack: for like...6 hours, right?

Player: Yup

Zack: So I have an awesome idea, you in?

Player: maybe

Zack: Let's make an igloo out of butter in the base

Player: ...I'm in

__________________

Brunt: ...are all of Crackle's classmates furries?

Maelstrom: ...

Cleo: ...

Shadowsan: ...

Bellum: hey CRACKLE---

_________________

Shadowsan: Why are you so EASILY DISTRACTED BY SHINY THINGS???

Bellum: DON'T JUDGE WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

________________

Julia: This is a terrible, horrible, incredibly foolish idea

Carmen: lets try it and see what happens

________________

Le Chevre: Why is Crackle bleeding?

Tigress: Because he's an idiot

El Topo: I didn't know idiocy caused people to start spontaneously bleeding

Tigress: It must be a new phenomenon

Crackle: IM STILL HERE YOU KNOW

_________________

Carmen: ...how long have you been standing there?

Shadowsan: Longer than you would like

___________________

Julia: What if one morning you hit your alarm clock and it hit you back

Chase: That would be alarming

___________________

Crackle: You are either insane or brilliant

Bellum: It's amazing how close those two traits are

__________________

Maelstrom: So apparently bananas are flammable

Cleo: AREN'T YOU BANNED FROM THE KITCHEN?

____________________

Bellum: I don't understand the phrase "I trust them as far as I can throw them"

Bellum: Like, Brunt can throw me through a window easily but she still doesn't trust me with a flamethrower

Bellum: But Maelstrom can't even pick me up and he the one who gave me a flamethrower

Cleo: HE'S THE ONE WHO GAVE YOU A FLAME THROWER?!?

Bellum: OHCRAP

_______________________

Brunt: jeez, what the hell is wrong with you?

Bellum: Everything

Cleo: except for the way I dress

__________________________

Carmen: I can't decide whether I need a hug, an XL coffee, 6 shots of vodka, or 2 weeks of sleep

Zack: I'LL GIVE YOU A HUG

Ivy: I'LL GIVE YOU THE VODKA

Shadowsan: I'll give you a ride to the hospital

_________________________

Tigress: YOU IDIOT

Crackle: I'M SURE YOU'RE RIGHT BUT WHY

_________________________

Zack: No you're wrong

Zack: just sit there and be wrong in your wrongness

Ivy: But-

Zack: shh

__________________________

Crackle: I just had a dream where Dr. Bellum used my picture to prove humans were related to goats and I got so offended I woke up

Tigress: heY DR. BELLUM-

______________________________

Bellum: Le Chevre and El Topo are making out again and they forgot to mute their mics

Cleo: LOL

Brunt: RIP

Bellum: This is like the third mission this has happened

Bellum: Can we please mute our side of the mics for them

Maelstrom: No, it's too fun to watch you suffer

Bellum: I will invert your stomach and fill it with glass

Maelstrom: I will steal you kidneys and sell them on the black market

Cleo: Will you two shut up

____________________________

Shadowsan: I just saw someone put ketchup on their mac and cheese

Player: I'M CALLING THE POLICE

____________________________

Crackle: "Olay?" "Olay." The Fault in our sombreros. Nacho average love story.

El Topo: It's spelled ole not olay this isn't The Fault in our Lotions

_______________________________

Bellum: Blood and glitter go together right?

Maelstrom: Depends on what time it is

Bellum: from 2am-4am

Cleo: yeah it works

__________________________________

Brunt: Why do witches always want to fatten up kids before eating them? Fat is the nastiest part of the meat.

Maelstrom: because they are always cooking them in cauldrons or ovens, so long cook times a t lowish heat. If you do that to fatty meat, the fat melts and the meat becomes tear-it-to-bits-with-a-fork-soft . If you do it to lean meat, the result is sad and not as tasty.

Brunt: ...

Cleo: Well, you DID ask

Bellum: Plus, there's wisdom in fattening them up on sweets and carbs. A meatless, carb rich diet makes for a more tender and flavorful meat

Shadowsan: why are you casually discussing how to properly eat children

_________________________________

Cleo: No one say anything negative today. I'm done.

Bellum: electrons

Cleo: I will kick your ass

____________________________________

Le Chevre: She's probably out committing crimes right now

Black Sheep: Who?

Le Chevre: What are you, a cop? Screw off.

_____________________________________

Cleo: Hang on

Bellum: What?

Cleo: On no he didn't

Bellum: What

Cleo: I'm about to cause a scene I'll be right back

_____________________________________

Julia: How do you feel about art

Carmen: I mean, you're pretty cool

Julia: *Awkward lesbian noises*

_______________________________________

Tigress: Sorry Jean-Paul but I absolutely hate France

Le Chevre: But why? think about all the nice things France has given to us

Crackle: French toast sticks

Paper Star: the guillotine

_________________________________________

Crackle: Whomever murders me better not get caught. I wanna be featured on BuzzFed unsolved

El Topo: Are you implying your murder is inevitable?

Crackle: Knowing me, you question that?

Le Chevre: he has a point

Black Sheep: My money's on Tigress

Le Chevre: Or Paper Star

Crackle: Thanks guys

_________________________________________

Chase: How do I clean up broken glass?

Julia: broom

Chase: It's on the carpet

Julia: Vacuum

Chase: Big pieces?

Julia: Pic up the big pieces first

Chase: Keep?

Julia: no

Chase: But they're shiny!

Julia: NO!

________________________________________

Yay!!!! Part Two!!

If you have any suggestions, please let me know


	5. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHAT??????  
> MoRE CraCk????  
> WHo cOUlda gUEsSEd?????

Chief: Agent Argent, you look anxious

Julia: It's the anxiety

_______________________

Maelstrom: Give a man fire and he will be warm for a day, set him on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life

Cleo: Wtf

Brunt: are you okay

___________________

Crackle: I'm going to try to stuff 25 marshmallows in my mouth

El Topo: You are a hazard to society

Black Sheep: And a coward. Do 30.

__________________

Maelstrom: If you were to suddenly gain god-like powers over the universe, what is the first thing you'd do?

Brunt: Get rid of Carbon.

Bellum: Carbon, the element that all life forms are based on? The one we can't exist without? 

Brunt: That's the bitch.

Maelstrom: ...*confused silence*

Bellum: well mood

___________________

Shadowsan: Saira, instead of being deathly afraid of spiders, treat them how you want to be treated

Bellum: *nodding* Killed without hesitation

Shadowsan: waIT NO

____________________

Crackle: Dr. Bellum, I think I'm alone in the woods. When is the other operative coming?

Bellum: If there are trees, you are not alone.

Crackle: ...

Crackle: I can't tell whether that is supposed to be encouraging or an ominous warning

_____________________

Zack: I'm in a constant state of "how dare you assume I know what I'm doing"

Ivy: I'm in a constant state of "don't you dare question me or what I'm doing"

Player: And somehow Carmen is "I have no idea what I'm doing and you can't stop me"

_____________________

Cookie Booker: prefered method of transportation?

Cleo: carried by servents

___________________

Sleep deprived Faculty members be like:

Brunt: ya know when you shake the laminated paper and it just...does it thing?

Bellum: fwuuubufbuwbfwubfufbwufbuwbuuuBUWBUBHUFUFUFBUWBUFBUB

Brunt: yeah that thing

_________________

Bellum: you know what, screw emotional stability! I'll be having a breakdown everyday day

Maelstrom: Some would say an everyday breakdown is a form of consistency, which is to say, stability

Bellum: Good news then, I'm emotionally stable!

_____________

Maelstrom: do you ever think about how your skeleton is always wet?

Brunt: I wish I never had, thanks for ruining my life

Bellum: Don't worry, there will come a time when it's not! :)

Cleo: Thanks! That's even worse!

___________________

Cleo: I'm so done

Brunt: What happened

Cleo: Shadowsan has been making hundreds of origami flowers for days and I just found one in my Faculty seat

Brunt: Why

Shadowsan: She told me I probably didn't know how to make flowers

Cleo: Where did you come from???

Shadowsan: Your room

Cleo: Why were you--

Vlad: Countess, it is advised you don't open your room's door if you don't want to get swamped by origami flowers

Brunt and Cleo: *dead silence*

Shadowsan: get fucking rekt Cleo

___________________

Bellum: I think we should have glowstick juice injected in our bones when we're born so if we break them there's is a fun little surprise

Shadowsan: What's the surprise

Bellum: blood poisoning

_________________

Maelstrom: It's time we start oppressing people who like their Hot Cocoa with water

Cleo: If you're lactose intolerant, you're on HECKIN thin ice

Brunt: I eat the powder straight from the packet

Bellum: yOu fILtY sINneR! REpeNt fOr yOUr cRImEs

________________

Zack: Yo guys, you remember the "selling the kids on Ebay" story?

Carmen: Who sells their kids on Ebay? That's nuts! That's a child, a living being that you made!

Ivy: Yeah, that shit belongs on etsy

____________

Tigress: Hey slinky

Crackle: I??? What???

Tigress: Yeah, you're like a slinky

Tigress: No fun until I push you down the stairs

Crackle: I still have bruises from last time...

_________________

Baby Black Sheep: What if oxygen is poisonous but it just takes 75-100 years to kill us?

Maelstrom: Yeah pretty much. That's why antioxidants are a big deal. Actually oxygen oxidizes stuff in your cells, or in other words, it's not toxic but it's setting you on fire very slowly

Baby Black Sheep: Cool! I love fire!

Shadowsan: *concerned parent noises*

_______________

Whoooo INEEDALIFE


	6. Stay With Me? A Jeantonio Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I tried the Dialogue style of writing, which is writing just a few pages of dialogue, then filling in the scene around it. This method supposedly makes the writing process quicker and is useful for writer's block. 
> 
> IDK.
> 
> But here is a oneshot for our 'evil' gay furries  
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Antonio had pulled Jean-Paul aside on a mission, he had reason to be suspicious. When one of them pulled the other away from the mission, it usually meant something had happened, or the other had found something. This time, however, El Topo had an excited smile on his face, dodging the falling rocks that detached themselves from the rickety cave walls they were currently navigating.

"Antonio, where are we going?"

The sun sank below the jagged horizon of the mountain range, covering the gray-brown rocks in shadows as the dying light poured into the mouth of the far above cave entrance. Ignoring the twisting feeling in his stomach as every instinct told his to leave this musky hole behind, he followed El Topo, knowing the other man would never take him someone dangerous.

"Just close your eyes mi amigo!"

Feeling a little stupid, he closed his eyes in a cave so dark he could barely see his hand in front of his face. Closing his eyes had been a BAD idea. Jean-Paul stopped moving, hands pressed to the tight walls to steady himself as his breathing got faster.

_Goats don't belong underground-goats don't belong underground-goats don't belong-_

Blind panic shot through him as he realized he could no longer hear Antonio.

_Antonio would NEVER abandon you_

Trust in his friend and lover warring with the fear, he called out to El Topo.

He had barely gotten the words out before he felt strong arms close around him, the familiar feeling of steel claws pushing away the terror and leaving only warmth.

Le Chevre sighed, burying his face in the shorter man's shoulder and muttering angerly about how closing his eyes was useless in the darkness, which was currently hiding his annoyed red flush. Antonio led him a few steps further on, then he took a sharp left. 

Surprisingly, Le Chevre felt the walls open up, the air beginning to move lazily. The echos took on a new form, like one of ripples in a pond. 

"Okay mi amor, you can look now."

Still grumbling, Jean-Paul opened his eyes.

And froze.

They were in a cavern, the dull rocks and dusty stones replaced by multicolored crystals. The faint light of rising moon shimmered through the vague gaps in the ceiling high above. 

The ground was covered in a fine layer of blue and purple dust, and as Jean-Paul watched, more dust fell from the various rocks and merged with the powdery flooring.

"Wow..they're..."

Jean-Paul struggled for the right words.

"Beautiful."

Antonio hummed, pulling Le Chevre over to a nearby rock.

"This one reminds me of you."

The Spanish man cradled the rock gently. Le Chevre couldn't figure out what was so special about the dusty rock. It seemed so dull and insignificant in El Topo's hands.

"Rough angry exterior..."

He ran a claw over the bumpy surface, the soft scrapping noise echoing dimly across the damp walls.

"..but once someone gets to know you, and you let them in..."

The steel flashed, and the rock broke open. Jean-Paul's eyes went wide.

"They're beautiful, and worth more than I could ever imagine."

The interior of the rock was a shimmery dark purple, the same shade as the accents on his stealth suit. Antonio passed the rock into his right hand, grasping his left in a tender grip. As Le Chevre tilted the rock, moonlight flashed off the crystals and cast a purplish glow on the gray walls of stone.

"Just like you, mi amor."

Le Chevre couldn't stop the laugh that pushed past his lips. It rolled of the cavern walls, joining with it's own echoes long after the Frenchman had stopped laughing. Antonio had a delighted smile on his face, and he squeezed his hand tighter.

"Mon aime, you SUCH a sap!"

Not letting go of each other, they explored the cavern. One rock in particular caught his eye. 

The small rock was a rich brown in color, holding the appearance of a weathered oval.

"This stone matches your eyes, mon amour."

El Topo chuckled, the happy vibration rumbling around the open air.

"NOW who's a sap?"

"Still you Antonio!"

The Frenchman lunged, easily evading the sloppy attempt by El Topo to sidestep and knocking him to the floor. With mock-anger glinting in his eyes, El Topo wrapped his arms around the smaller, pinning Le Chevre against his own body.

Had El Topo been an enemy, a quick kick to the knees and a punch to the face would have knocked him aside.

But that would be if he wanted to escape.

Which he didn't.

Instead, he let El Topo carry him around as he continued to check out the crystals, stopping every once in a while when Jean-Paul expressed an interest in a crystal.

"Mon aime, how did you find this place?"

The soft snort vibrated through his whole body as El Topo started to recount his story.

Antonio had been digging in preparation for the heist when he stumbled into this cavern. He had almost to VILE about it, but opted not to.

"Geodes aren't worth enough money for VILE to justify stealing the rocks. And besides..."

He nuzzled Jean-Paul's neck, his light breath on his sensitive skin causing Le Chevre to purr gently.

"I didn't want other operatives to take this moment away from us."

Setting Jean-Paul down, El Topo pulled out a stone from his pocket.

Unlike the other rocks, this one had a polished sheen to it, the dark purple glinting in the reflected light.

"I found this hidden away with the geodes. It felt like a sign to me."

The Spaniard pressed the stone into Jean-Paul's hand, holding it there with his own.

"I found you while I was hiding in the shadows. I was alone, until a new light shown through the darkness. Like this little gem in the dank caves, you brought light to my life."

He chuckled fondly

"In your own grouchy, self-confident way."

El Topo took both of Le Chevre's hands in his own.

"You may pretend you don't care, but you could never hide how much you loved me, nor I you. Now, I'm asking you to come down from the clouds, in the heights you conceal yourself in, and stay with me forever. Te Amo mon cabro."

The purple stone lay warmly in his hand, which he subconsciously recognized as an amethyst. The surge of emotions pushed away all rational thought as he kissed Antonio, the two operatives caught in a tight embrace.

"I'll take that as a yes then, mi amor."

"Oui! Je suis à toi pour toujours!"

The next few hours passed in soft words, tender kisses, and gentle snuggles.

"Stay with me tonight?"

Antonio whispered. Jean-Paul murmured

"Forever mon amour, pour toujours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
> So, translations:
> 
> Mon aime-> French for 'my friend'  
> Mi amigo-> Spanish for 'my friend'  
> Mi amor-> Spanish for 'my love'  
> Mon amour -> French for 'my love'  
> Cabro -> Spanish for goat  
> Oui! Je suis à toi pour toujours! -> French for 'Yes! I am yours forever!'  
> pour toujours -> French for 'forever'


	7. Crack- carmen Sandieg-HOE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more crack  
> am I addicted to crack  
> specifically Carmen Sandiego Crack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy!  
> Thanks for reading guys!

___________________________________________________

Cleo: Can you guys be professional for THREE seconds?

Bellum: "Yes, I'm VERY mature"

Brunt *nodding*: "The maturest"

Bellum: "The mostest mucherros"

Maelstrom : " Mucherros?"

Brunt: "Churros"

Bellum: "We should get churros"

Cleo: *sigh*  
—————_____________________________________——-  
Crackle: yo, imagine if someone handed you a box of all the things you lost throughout your life

Jean-Paul: It would be nice to get my sense of purpose back

Black Sheep: Oh wow! My childhood innocence! Thanks for finding it!

Mime Bomb *mimed*: My will to live! Haven't seen that in years!

Antonio: I knew I lost my potential somewhere

Tigress: Ah, mental stability, my old friend

Crackle: Could you guys lighten up a little?  
—————————————

Player: I got a headache :/

Player: Google says I'm gonna die

Zack: Bruh why is Google sending you death threats for having a headache?

Player: I'm too strong, so they must take advantage of any weakness they see

Zack: I feel you bruh

Player: WTF stop touching me then

Ivy: THAT'S IT! Neither of you are allowed to pull all-nighters anymore

Player: You going to come to Canada to force me to sleep Ivy?

Carmen: I will

Player: OKIMOFFTOBEDSORRYMOM

________________________________________

Bellum: If 666 is evil, then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil

Brunt: Do you ever sleep?

________________________________________

El Topo: I hate the bathrooms at VILE for many reasons, but the biggest is that one time the person in the next stall silently untied my shoes for no reason

Crackle: LOL That was me.

Crackle: Le Chevre, why are you holding the steak knife like that?

Crackle: OHSHIT

El Topo: JEAN-PAUL NO!

Crackle: IMSORRYIMSORRYIMSORRYHOLYFUCKIMSORRY

__________________________________________

Dexter Wolfe: The ideal couple is when one person has cold hands and the other has warm hands. Together, they make the perfect temperature.

Bellum: Thermodynamic equilibrium

Maelstrom: How would you figure it out? Would you ask your potential SO: "Hey baby, you a source or a sink?"

Cleo: Can you guys be normal for 3 seconds?

_________________________________________

Ivy: I mean like, balloons are so weird!

Ivy: "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic sack of my breath!"

Zack: ...

Zack: Well, when you put it like THAT-

________________________________________

Maelstrom: It's been 50 years and it STILL freaks me out that Americans have a thing in their sink you destroy stuff with

Brunt: I still remember your reaction when I turned on the garbage disposal

Cleo: Do other countries just not have garbage disposals?

Bellum: Why can't you just put your stuff in the trash and not a monster drain?

_________________________________________

Ivy: Got called a lesbian in Walmart today lads

Carmen: What happened

Ivy: Got called a lesbian in walmart

Player: Yes but why

Ivy: I was being a lesbian

Zack: In walmart?

Ivy: Yeah

_________________________________________

Zack: How can we be sure Player is canadian?

Player: Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood, therefore pancakes are more important than family

Zack: nvm

_____________________________________

Shadowsan: I still cannot believe you american's don't use tea kettles

Carmen: Wait, then how do they make tea???

Zack: We through it in the harbor.

Ivy & Zack: *high five*

________________________________________

Tigress: I'm sad

Crackle: One time in Dr. Bellum's class, two operative started arguing about the existence of birds as government drones. Of course, Saira got involved and forgot she was trying to help El Topo with a math equation. The whole class was arguing about birds by this point, so Dr. Bellum slammed her hands down on his desk, scaring him, as she yelled 

"Have you ever seen a pregnant bird? No? BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST!"

And poor El Topo just blurts out 

"What does that have to do with math???"

Tigress: Nvm, now I'm laughing to hard to be sad

______________________________________

Maelstrom: Bisexual people are NOT more likely to cheat in a relationship! They are more likely to cheat at cards, while lesbians are most likely to cheat at Jenga, and genderqueers at Mariokart

Brunt: How do you cheat in Jenga?

Maelstrom: IDK ask Saira

Bellum: bitch

______________________________________

Le Chevre: When corral gets stressed, they die. If we were corral, we would be very dead.

Tigress: What does corral get stressed about anyway?

Crackle: Current events

El Topo: GET OUT

______________________________________

Crackle: Proud owner of an IQ of 5 (and 1/2!!!)

Black Sheep: Not for long :D

Crackle: Please it is all I have

______________________________________

Zack: Butter is just food lotion

Ivy: Zack, will you shut the FUCK-

Player: *taking notes* No no keep going

_____________________________

Carmen: Why do they call them APARTments when they are built so close together?

Shadowsan: *visibly concerned*

_________________________________

Zack: If quiz is short for 'quizzical', then what is test short for?

Carmen: uhh

Player: *frantically googling* hey, I found pictures!

Carmen: plaYER NO

_______________________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .....i've been awake to long this title keeps making me lose it


	8. City Skylines and the Sunrise - A Julia x Carmen Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time for our distressed lesbian and functional lesbian to have a heart-to-heart

The night found Julia awake, tossing and turning. Earlier that evening she had argued with Devineaux again over the latest piece of evidence from Le Femme Rouge's crime scene. It was only a torn fragment of cloth, but Chase had argued it's significance to his conviction of Carmen Sandiego's villianry until she felt like screaming. Her anger had followed her home, and was still smoldering in her chest, keeping her awake.

The bedside clock struck 5:00am, but Julia had yet to sort out her feelings. Frustrated, the detective threw aside the covers and put on her glasses. 

Maybe a early morning stroll will help 

Having an apartment near the top of the complex made it easy to access the roof. It was her favorite place to curl up with a book under the stars or puzzle out the latest case A.C.M.E. had opened. 

But when Julia reached the roof, she noticed her usual spot by the furthest edge was occupied. A silhouette of a women, outlined against the bright starshine, with a familiar crimson hat resting by her side.

Her sharp intake of breath was stolen by the soft wind.

It did not take long for the A.C.M.E. agent to clear the roof space, standing just behind the Lady in Red. The thief must have heard her approach, but she did not run or acknowledge her presence.

"Ms. Sandiego, I presume?"

Julia flinched at the sound of her own voice, sharp in the still night air, full with a strange sense of amusement and interest. Not at all her usual M.O. Perhaps the familiar setting had given her the confidence to say something first for a change.

"Wow,"

Carmen didn't move, just continued to stare off into the distance, but Julia could see a faint smile ghosting across her features.

"I really gotta step up my game if you could tell it was me Jules."

The teasing tone nearly made her falter, but Julia forced her voice to stay steady. Ignoring the blush on her face, she gestured to the resting hat, knowing the motion would not be missed.

"I do not believe you were trying to escape my notice."

Carmen actually smiled, cocking her head slightly to look at the mousy women.

"This time."

"This time."

She agreed. A moment passed, then Carmen pat the space next to her, inviting Julia to join. She did so hesitantly. The agent was faintly aware of the voice in her mind urging her to call the Chief and report Sandiego's appearance, but a larger part of her wanted, no NEEDED, to stay and talk with the infamous thief. The thief seemed melancholy, her posture hunched and her eyes distant. Julia desperately wanted to ask what was wrong, but her earlier courage had vanished now that she was within reaching distance of the very thief she was sent to catch.

"So, Jules. What brings you to the city skyline? I don't often see others on these roves, too risky."

Julia jumped, a little spooked by the sudden question, and answered before she could stop herself.

"I live here. You?"

Well THAT sounded super smooth. Great job Julia. Tell the super thief where you live. Wow.

"Just thinking. The hustle and bustle of my life gets to me sometimes, and I need a break."

"Hmm, understandable."

There was a comfortable silence as Julia toyed with the hem of her shirt. Carmen's gloved hand was drumming on her knee, and Julia felt herself following the movement.

"I was hoping to find you."

Julia abruptly said, wincing at how loud it came out. Carmen raised an eyebrow.

"Here?"

"Before the other A.C.M.E. agents do."

This seemed to amuse the thief. Her soft chuckles vibrating off the warm night air and sending tremors through the floor.

"If VILE couldn't catch me, ACME has no chance."

Julia said nothing, only a noncommittal hum. Carmen did not let the conversation fizzle out though this time.

"May I ask why you desperately needed to find me?"

"IT WAS NOT---sorry."

She cut herself off short, her simmering rage from earlier still in her mind. Carmen did not seem deterred at her sudden display of indignation, she just waited for her to start again. The agent took a deep breath and tried again.

"I need to know. Why did you hack ACME's servers?"

That wasn't what she meant to ask, she just said the first question that came to mind. The off chance the thief would actually answer any question she had was far-fetched, but she had to take the chance.

The silence this time was a little colder, with the Lady in Red not meeting her eyes. She waited for a moment, then said

"Carmen?"

"Huh."

"What?"

"You called me Carmen."

The thief looked at her, searching her face. 

"Not Sandiego, not thief, not La femme rouge. Just Carmen."

Slightly uncomfortable by the sudden attention, Julia blushed and asked

"Would you prefer me not to?"

Carmen watched her for a moment, then hummed

"No, it's just.... a nice change."

Taking a leap of faith, Julia stuttered out

"Well, I think it suits you."

The smile she received made the momentary panic worth it.

"....thanks Jules."

A comfortable quiet settled between them, punctuated by the occasional sounds of traffic 15 stories below them. Julia stared off into the sky, subconsciously tracing the constellations. 

"Closure."

"Hmm?" 

Carmen glanced at her.

"Closure and information. I needed to... confirm something, something about..."

There was a pause, in which something seemed to snap in the thief. She snarled

"But it DIDN'T lead to closure! All it did was open more questions!"

She dropped her face in her hands.

"Ugh! Why is my life so CONFUSING?"

Julia hesitated, but she reached out toward the thief. When she did not move away, she rested her hand on Carmen's shoulder.

"Sometimes..."

She took a deep breath.

"Sometimes, when one door opens, the first door remains stuck. That's okay."

Carmen leaned in, almost imperceptibility. She pushed herself closer to Julia, causing the detective's arm to lose it's grip and fall onto Carmen's thigh. To startled to move, she just kept talking, the words coming out before she could check them.

"Just..just keep moving forward. If life wasn't full of questions, it would be dull. And something tells me you aren't one for a dull life."

That confident smirk that sends shivers down her spine is back is back. and this time, it feels genuine. Her laugh echos in the empty air, causing her to smile too. Carmen's arm snakes around her waist, pulling her so they are pressed together.

"Yeah, that would be no fun."

The air is starting to feel chilly, but the bright flush on Julia's face warms her right up.

"Thanks Jules."

Her own smile broadens and, despite her flush, she snuggles further into the taller's side.

"No problem Carmen."

The twin smiles that follow are almost brighter than the first rays of dawn as they peaked over the city skyline. 

Almost.

But to Julia, nothing had ever been more beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy!  
> Feel free to ask me anything!
> 
> Thanks for reading


	9. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing a College AU (ACME and VILE are "gangs"), and I think I've confused my targeted ad settings bc I have been doing extensive research on different Majors and Minors I would NEVER be interested in. Each character needs their major and minor to make sense with the canon, so each person has a carefully crafted college focus. 
> 
> LOL writing the Faculty as college teachers is hilarious.  
> ___________________________________

Bellum: My girlfriend is to tall for me to kiss her on the lips. What should I do?

Brunt: Punch her in the stomach. When she doubles over, kiss her.

Crackle: Tackle her.

Roundabout: Dump her.

Maelstrom: Kick her in the shins.

Cleo: NO TO ALL OF THOSE! Just ask me to lean down!

_________________________________

Le Chevre: The food is too hot, I can't eat it.

El Topo: You're too hot, but I still eat you.

Le Chevre: * blushing hard *

El Topo: * winks *

Tigress: All I ask is ONE NORMAL LUNCH

___________________________________

Black Sheep: Hi, welcome to Applebee's! Would you like the apples or the bees?

Maelstrom: * confused * Bees?

Black Sheep: HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEES!

Maelstrom: wait what?

Crackle: * running in shaking a jar of bees *

Maelstrom: WAITFUCK

______________________________________

Zack: * banging on the door * Carmen! Open up!

Carmen: * muffled * It all started when I was on VILE Island ...

Ivy: No, he meant ...

Shadowsan: No. Let her finish.

________________________________________

Ivy: I've done a lot of dumb stuff

Shadowsan: I witnessed the dumb stuff

Player: I recorded the dumb stuff

Zack: I joined you in the dumb stuff

Carmen: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF

Ivy: Ok mom

_______________________________________

Chase: Say yes to drugs

Julia: Say no to drugs

Chief: It doesn't matter WHAT you say to drugs, if you're talking to drugs, you're taking drugs.

Julia ....

Chase: ...

Zari: Bitch you right

________________________________________

Brunt: I mean, small creatures are way more vicious. It's because their anger has less space to be bottled up.

Roundabout: Ridiculous, give me one example.

Bellum: Spiders.

Cleo: Wasps.

Brunt: Terriers.

Maelstrom: Saira.

Bellum: * flips him off *

_____________________________________

Crackle: Hello people who do not live here.

El Topo: Hey.

The Chevre: Hi.

Mime Bomb: * waves *

Crackle: I gave you the key for emergencies.

Tigress: We're out of chips.

________________________________________

Black Sheep: Did you set another fire?

Paper Star: Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.

Black Sheep: Uh ...

Paper Star (happily): Everything's burning

____________________________________________   
Saira: * drops something *

Saira: "Oh FUCK me!"

Cleo: * smirks *

Saira: "That wasn't an invitation."

Cleo: * getting closer *

Saira: "I mean it Countess, back off."

Cleo: * getting in Saira's face with a low hum and sexy smile *

Saira: * blushing like crazy *

Cleo: * places hand under Saira's chin and lifts it up *   
______________________   
Saira @Maelstrom: Fight me!

Cleo: Stop telling everyone to fight you, look how small you are

Saira: My height doesn't effect my ability to snap someone's neck in 97 different ways! INCLUDING YOURS!

Cleo: You can't even reach my neck

Saira: Do you really want to test me?   
Because I see a step-stool just a foot away! DO NOT MAKE ME USE IT!   
______________   
Goat: You know, Antonio is kind of like the sun to me.

Crackle: Aww, is it because he's the light of your life?

Le chevre: No, it's because the longer I stare the more I regret it.

Crackle: ... oof. But .... you love him right?

Le chevre: Maybe, all I'm asking is—

El Topo: * running in wearing a rainbow cape * Jean look! I'm a gay superhero!

Goat: Oh my god

El Topo: * gasping in realization * I'm SUPERGAY! OwO

Goat: I take it back. I love him.   
______________   
Random Passerbyer: Aw, you two are such a cute couple!

Julia: Couple ?? We're-we're not together!

Carmen: Yet.

Julia: ....

Julia: What ?!   
______________   
Dash: You know when we first met, I wanted to murder you, but now, I want to murder you less.

Neal: * hand over his heart * Well, that has to be the nicest thing you've ever said to me!   
________________   
Shadowsan: * meditating in the Faculty lounge *

(Sound of the door opening)

Maelstrom: * shouting * Shadowsan !!!

Shadowsan: * grumply * what ....

Maelstrom: I CAUGHT A BIRD!

(Frantic chirping)

Shadowsan: That's nice

Shadowsan: ....

Shadowsan: WAIT WHAT? PUT IT BACK—!   
______________   
Shadowsan: * kisses Maelstrom's forehead *

Maelstrom: * frowns * you missed ...

Shadowsan: ....?

Maelstrom: * leans forward and kisses Shadowsan's lips *   
______________   
Cleo: What was the one thing I told you to do?

Saira: burn down the kitchen

Cleo: and what did you do?

Saira: Made you dinner

Cleo: * waiting *

Saira: * sigh * ... and burnt down the kitchen *   
______________   
I ship Shadowstrom okay?   
alsoSairaBottomsToCleoOkayDontJudgeMe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _______________________________________  
> Remember to always do your daliy dose of CRACK kids, it makes your life so much better!


	10. Comfort- A CleoBellum Oneshot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They're lesbians Shadowsan" ~Coach Brunt  
> ____________________________________________

A knock on her door shattered her train of thought. The scientist looked up to see Countess Cleo, one hand pressed against the door frame. 

"Saira, do you have a minute?"

Dr. Bellum set aside the bottle of acid she was about to pour into the test tubes, diverting her attention to the other women. 

"What is it Cleo?"

"Can you...walk with me? If you're not busy?"

Curious, Saira turned to face the Countess, trying to gauge her feelings.

"I...I can postpone my experiment if necessary."

Cleo wouldn't look at her, continuing to fidget with the hemline of her gloves. She seemed uncomfortable. 

Saira completely abandoned her experiment, immediately getting over to the taller women.

"Is something wrong Countess?"

Cleo sighed, then started walking, beckoning for her to follow. Saira did so without hesitation.

"I've been thinking..."

Dr. Bellum snorted, smiling at little.

"A dangerous pastime."

Countess Cleo glared at her, but there was no real anger in her eyes.

"...Thinking about...about Black Sheep."

Not expecting this, Dr. Bellum flinched and looked away. Cleo continued on.

"Did we really do such a bad job raising her? She hates us, even after everything we did for her..."

Saira hesitated. She wasn't good with life advice, or advice in general that didn't involve science. 

"Well,"

She cautiously started,

"We weren't exactly the best parents." 

"..but?"

"But we weren't the worst either. The five of us did our best, but none of us were really prepared to raise a kid."

Cleo snorted, turning the corner to the gym area.

"Yeah, a damaged psychopathy, a huffy ninja, an aggressive coach, a failed fashion model and a mad scientist are the PERFECT parents."

"You are NOT a failed fashion model!"

The scientist said indignantly before she could stop herself.

"You are the greatest master of disguise at VILE!"

Oh shit, she had probably just made the situation SUPER awkward!

Countess Cleo had flushed a dark red, looking a little stunned.

"You really think so?"

Her words came out rushed, resisting the urge to throw herself through the nearest window to stop making things uncomfortable.

"They were fools to discount you before, you were to good for them."

Well, I saw a window just a few paces back. I can still jump before she has time to react...

Her internal panic was cut short by Cleo kissing her forehead softly.

"Thanks sweetheart."

Saira was certain her face was solid red, between the amused look on Cleo's face and the sudden heat of the room. The Countess pulled her into a tight hug, letting the scientist bury her face in her chest to hide her embarrassment. She could feel Cleo's chest vibrating as she laughed, causing her to blush harder.

From just outside the gym, they heard an amused chuckle, then Professor Maelstrom commented

"You two are adorable."

Coach Brunt's voice added

"Just kiss already!"

Dr. Bellum pulled back just enough so she could glare at her colleagues.

"Really guys?"

"We are in public....in front of students...."

Cleo mused, not taking her eyes off the smaller women.

"And--"

Saira was abruptly cut off by Cleo's lips over her own. She could faintly hear Maelstrom and Brunt laughing, but decided she couldn't care less.

When they finally broke apart, Cleo looked slightly smug. They were still holding hands, and Cleo was quick to pull Saira back into her embrace.

"I feel better now."

The Countess quipped. Saira's response was muffled by Cleo's chest.

"Shut up."

______________________________________________________________

There isn't enough fanfiction with the CleoBellum pairing

The ones that exist are A+ though!


	11. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts part 6

_First, the Carmen Sandiego characters as VINES and a few other memorable quotes!_

Countess Cleo: "Shut up! I wear heels bigger than your dick!"

Dr. Saira Bellum: "I think I know more about robots than you do genius!"

Professer Maelstrom: "Death is a preferable option to failure!" (jumps out the window)

Coach Brunt: "This bitch EMPTY! YEET!"

Shadowsan: "Bitch, I hope the FUCK you DO!"

Zack: "I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets"

Ivy: "Zack stop! Zack..stop! You're gonna get in trouble!"

Carmen: "I'm a bad bitch, you can't kill me!"

Player: "Can I get a waffle? Can I PLEASE get a waffle?"

Le Chevre: "YOU BETTER STOP! STOP!"

El Topo: "When will you learn? When will you learn? That your ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES??"

Paper Star: "Next time you put your fuckin' hands on me, imma fuckin' rip your face off BITCH!"

Neal the Eel: "Road work ahead? Uh yeah, I sure HOPE it does."

Tigress: "FUCK YOUR CHICKEN STRIPS!"

Crackle: "Oh hey, thanks for checkin' in, I'm _still a piece of garbage."_

Dash Harbor: "Wha-waaa--LIPSTICK IN MY VALENTINO WHITE BAG?!?"

**++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++**

_And now, some vines_

**++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++**

Black Sheep: "HOw dO yOu kNow WHaT's GOoD fOR mE?"

VILE FACULTY: "THat'S mY oPInIOn!!!!"

_________________________________________

Crackle: SHEENA! Is that a WEED???

Tigress: No.....it's a---

Crackle: I'M CALLIN' THE POLICE!

(franticly pressing buttons on the microwave)

El Topo: 911 what's your emergency?

__________________________________________

(Dash Harbor walking into Countess Cleo's classroom and seeing her doing her eyebrows in a long mirror)

Dash: What are you doing?

Cleo: I am doin' my eyebrows.

Dash: That's a big ass mirror

Cleo: I have big ass eyebrows.

__________________________________________

Carmen: Whatcha' got there?

Player: A KNIFE!

Carmen: NO!!!!!

_____________________________________________

(Crackle watching Tigress and Le Chevre attacking each other with pillows, Black Sheep trying to summon a demon, El Topo stress-eating a chocolate bar, and Mime Bomb stabbing a clock that reads 2:23 am with a screw driver)

Crackle: WeLComE TO bIBlE sTUdY! WE'rE aLL CHiLdrEN oF jESUs! Kumbaya my looordd!!!"

_______________________________________________

El Topo: "I brought you Frankincense."

Crackle: "Thank you."

Paper Star: "I brought you Myrrh."

Crackle: "Thank you."

Paper Star: "Mur-dur!"

Crackle: "Huh...Judas..no!"

________________________________________________  
(Not a vine but i wanted to include it anyway)

  
Zack: Is it hot in here, or is it just you?  
Dash: YOU ARE ON FIRE, STOP FUCKIN FLIRTING DUMBASS!

_________________________________________________

Dash: The real treasure is the memories we made along the way

Neal: I ALMOST DIED!

Dash: Ah yes, that was my favorite memory

_____________________________________________________

Brunt: I stubbed my toe

Cleo: On what?

Brunt: Life.

Maelstrom: Didn't you get a paper cut yesterday?

Brunt: Yes, on the Lexicon of Pain and Confusion

Bellum: Please stop calling the math textbooks that

Malestrom: You know words that long? 

_________________________________________________________

Tigress: Just trust me

Le Chevre: The last time you said that, my house got burned down!

Tigress: Yeah, but did you die?

Le Chevre: That's not the point!

______________________________________________________________

Random Guy: *flirting with her*

Cleo: Bitch you couldn't handle me even if I came with a user manual!

Brunt: *snaps fingers in a Z formation*

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////

_Hope y'all enjoyed!_


	12. Story Ideas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some partially fleshed out ideas for stories I might write in the future.  
> This was originally only on the Wattpad version of this book, but Wattpad is being a little bitch and refusing to let me stay logged in for long, so I'm moving a copy of it here so I can keep working on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do note that these are in progress ideas, so not everything has more information than a single title line.
> 
> Yes, I will totally let anyone who wants to use any of these ideas, just comment which ones you want to use first please!
> 
> Please do leave constructive criticism on ideas, or offer ideas to go along with the posted ones (that'd be great)

(Please comment on these ideas, I need feedback for my 2am brainstorming sessions)

(Some of these are from Pinterest and are adapted to match the characters)

(These are some random AUs, bad romantic comedy ideas, and crack)

(I will expand on these ideas as I get more ideas for them. That's why some ideas have several bulletpoints and some only have the idea line)

(The bolded line with the number indicates a new idea)

(I'm sorry for this unfiltered bullshit feel free to skip this chapter)

____________________________________________________________

**1) a Ready Player One crossover (only the book, not the movie)**

_(I don't believe in most crossovers, but this is just borrowing some ideas)_

-Using the video game contest idea, an evil internet corporation, said corporation trying to kill main character, online relationships with people you've never meet, and the High Five

\- GSS is Techworks Inc.

-IOI is Imagination's Portal to Innovation (IPI)

-The contest is designed as a clue leads to a key, which leads to a virtual lock on the next clue. The third lock unlocks the prize. The contest is for the control of Techworks Inc. after the death of it's sole creator.

-Player is one of several members involved in a high stakes online competition

-Player meets Dr. Bellum (doesn't know it's her, duh) on the quest and they become internet friends.

-Player finds the first clue and unlocks the first lock, causing the IPI to try and blackmail him. He tells them to fuck off, and they try to kill him. He flees to Carmen's base. He and Bellum chat, and she invites the other members of the high five to a meeting to review the facts

-The high five are:

1st) _Player_ alias Player

2nd) _Dr. Bellum_ alias Dr. Lucipurr

3rd) _Crackle_ (mindwiped) alias Spark

4th) _Elliot_ (a friend of player) alias ZerØ

5th) _Séamus Ó Donnabháin_ alias C0sm0s

\- Draz as Sorento, lead in IPI  
  
  


**2) Nekos, Inus, and Kitsunes, OH MY!**

- _Alpha/Beta/Omega storyline_

_-The Dominate mate wears a ring to show their bonding, the submissive a collar_

_-The ring and the collar are in the other mate's color scheme_

_-Submissives must be on leashes in certain areas, but most are free reign_

_-The Dominate mates with the submissive by biting their "Bonding Spot" (on their neck) and then having sex_

_-VILE is rather accepting of all secondary genders, but mostly Alphas and Betas become criminals_

_-Pack ideals run deep in society and culture. One type of pack is a Family, which is the parents and their offspring (adopted or biological) which continues through the generations. Another type is a typical Pack, different people living together as an adopted family/group of close friends, run by a dominate Alpha. Not everyone is part of a pack._

_-Everyone is some kind of hybrid between animal and human_

_-All cat types, dog types, fox types, and draconic types have fangs (the carnivores)_

_-Unbonded Omegas are often harassed by Alphas who are looking for side-hoes or mates_

_-Alphas and Betas usual get along just fine, Betas and Omegas interact well but don't often do well in relationships, Alphas and Omegas often have a strained relationship unless they are mated- Alpha scents often scare Omegas._

_-Alphas are competitive by nature with other Alphas, Betas get along well with other Betas, and Omegas cling to other Omegas for emotional support and protection. Omegas will often hide with another Omega when they feel threatened._

_-Yimdins: deer versions of satyrs that I created. They often don't wear pants due to their thick fur_

_-Betaphines: Owl-human hybrids I created_

Alpha Characters

- **Coach Brunt:**

~Golden retriever, tail reaches her knees, floppy ears, yellow-gold fur

~barks at small creatures, hates squirrels, borky-type dog

~green eyes, green dyed hair, normal outfit

~heavily protective of her pack (The other VILE faculty)

- **Countess Cleo:**

~Siamese cat, tail reaches her ankles, sleek ears, brown and black fur, elegant appearance

~ likes to sleep in sunbeams, great balance, Siamese attitude (chitty kitty + no pets)

~green eyes, black hair in a long braid, normal outfit

**-Carmen Sandiego/ Black Sheep**

~red fox, perky ears, tail reaches lower calf, tail tipped with white fur

~clever, quick, and curious

~normal outfit, holes in her hat for her ears

~loved her pack (the VILE faculty) until she left, she still misses them but Team Red is her pack now

**-Paper Star**

~orange fox, tail reaches her ankles, perky ears

~giggles like a hyena, known for being extremely cunning, yips when startled

~ normal outfit and style, but in orange tones rather than green

~enjoys terrorizing any Omega she interacts with

**-Ivy**

~Red Panda, tail reaches her ankles, pointed ears

~great at climbing, likes to chew on bamboo, hates being called cute

~always worried about about her non-alpha brother

~Team Red is her pack and she will defend it with her life

- **Neal**  
~ electric eel, extremely flexible, can breathe underwater  
~ not very fast on land, but a quick swimmer, only eats meat  
~usual outfit and style, but his smile has rather sharp fangs   
~ can spark small amounts of electricity from his mouth and hands

Beta Characters

**-Professor Maelstrom**

~Arctic wolf, tail reaches to mid calves, perky ears

~will chase if something runs, hunter instinct, boofy-type dog, nervous around new people

~green suit, albino, blue eyes

~sees the pack (VILE faculty) as his true family

**-Shadowsan**

~black draconic, tail curls behind him onto the floor, long horns, large wings

~breathes small trails of smoke when sighing, snorts tiny flames

~orange eyes, black hair, normal outfit (w/ cut out holes for the wings)

~sees the pack (VILE faculty) as ridiculous hooligans but loves them anyway (deep down)

**-Tigress**

~bengel tiger, tail reaches her ankles, thick stripes, rounded ears

~secretly loves being pet, but will attack anyone who tries

~sharpens her claws on the furniture, hisses at people who get to close

~normal outfit

**-El Topo**

~spanish alano dog, brown and black striped, tail reaches mid-thigh, floppy ears

~loves chew toys and exploring

~usual outfit

~sees his classmates as his pack

**-Le Chevre**

~dark brown Yimdin, black flank freckles, black hair, black hooves, light brown short antlers

~grazes rather than eating a full meal, no meat, elegant

~just the shirt of his normal outfit and padded boots to mask his hoof noises during a caper

**-Chase Devineaux**

~Chocolate Lab, brown hair, tail reaches to his knees, boofy-type dog, perky ears

~easily distracted by small creatures, snappy, chaotic dumbass energy

~usual outfit

**-Luma (OC)**

~she's only here as a supporting character and to be Ivy's mate

~snowy owl betaphine, wings reach to her knees, soft feathers

~book nerds, obsessed with precious metals, timid

~Librarian

~twin of Jaspen

**-Jaspen (OC)**

~she's only here as a supporting character and to be Chase's mate

~snowy owl betaphine, wings reach to her knees, soft feathers

~"STREET SMARTS" *thud* "Ow.." / Chaotic Dumbass energy

~Author and Journalist

~twin of Luma

**-Zack**

~Red Panda, tail reaches his ankles, pointed ears

~lazes around the base, chill attitude, doesn't mind being called cute

~loves his sister dearly but kinda wishes she would worry less

~Team Red is his pack, he will follow them anywhere

Omega Characters

**-Dr. Bellum**

~calico cat, tail reaches her lower calf, fluffy ears

~very soft and fluffy, excitable, loves laser-pointer, loves to be pet, nervous around new people, purrs when content

~brown eyes, normal hair, normal outfit

~loves her pack (VILE faculty) to death

~the first Omega to ever become a Faculty member

**-Crackle**

~gray wolf, tail reaches his knees, large ears, borky-type dog

~barks at cars, tousled fur & hair 24/7, loves to sleep until noon

~usual outfit

~WAS NEVER MIND WIPED

~treats Dr. Bellum as his adoptive mom

~sees his classmates as his pack

**-Julia**

~black rabbit, long black sleek ears, black cottonball tail

~nose twitches when she's interested, nibbles food, jumpy, can move rather fast

~normal outfit

~lives with her college friends Luma and Jaspen

**-Player**

~Siberian kitten (11yrs old in this AU), soft black ears, fluffy black tail that reaches his mid calves

~sharp eyesight, playful attitude, loyal to Team Red

~normal outfit

~stays inside due to past trauma with an Alpha trying to claim him against his will

~Team Red is his pack, nothing could ever break his loyalty

 **-Dash**  
~ blue jay, tail reaches lower calf, wings reach his knees  
~ normal attitude but a bit more shy  
~ uses his mimicry in theft  
~normal outfit, holes in clothes for wings  
  
  


Relationships/Bonds by the end of the story

-Cleo (alpha)/Saira (omega)

-Shadowsan (beta)/ Maelstrom (beta)

\- Paper Star (alpha)/ Tigress (beta)

-Carmen (alpha)/ Julia (omega)

-Antonio (beta)/ Jean-Paul (beta)

-Ivy (alpha)/ Luma (beta)

-Chase (beta)/ Jaspen (beta)

-Neal (alpha) / Dash (omega)

-Zack (beta) / Dash (omega)

Other Notes

_-By then end of the story, Cleo and Saira adopt Player (kitty fam!), as well as Crackle. They also have their three kids, Raven, Nefertiti, and Ateefah._

_-All the Omegas at VILE have an unspoken code that if they feel threatened they can hide in Dr. Bellum's lab. All the VILE omegas have an awkward friendship (including Bellum)_

_-Cleo wears a silver ring, Saira wears a dark green collar_

_-Shadowsan wears an icy blue ring with white swirls, Maelstrom wears a black collar_

_-Paper Star wears a orange and black striped ring, Tigress wears a orange collar_

_-Carmen wears a black ring, Julia wears a red collar_

_-Antonio wears a purple ring, Jean-Paul wears a green ring (non-traditional OWO)_

_-Ivy wears a white ring, Luma wears a red collar_

_-Chase wears a white ring, Jaspen wears a brown collar_

_-Neal and Zack fought over Dash, but Dash managed to convince them that he can be shared. Neither relationship his confirmed with a ring/collar. Zack and Neal grudgingly agree but still dislike each other._

Animal Reference Sheets

Siberian Cat

  
Golden Retriever

Arctic Wolf

Calico Cat

Siamese Cat

Black dragon

Red fox

Bengel tiger

Orange Fox

Gray Wolf

Spanish Alano

Black Rabbit

Snowy Owl

Deer

Red Panda

Labrador

**3) Prince & Commoner AU (Dash x Neal)**

**4) Vampire! Maelstrom x Shadowsan**

**5) Sick! Bellum x Cleo**

**6) PMS!Cleo x Bellum**

**7) "The worst part about being their leader wasn't watching them die, or watching them trust him against all odds, it was watching them die because they trusted him." Death fic**  
**-Maelstrom**

**8)'This is hardly following regulation-' prompt** pintrest.com/pin/635429828652287641 **with the gag in the car escaping the government (maelstrom x shadowsan)**

**9) Every Demon is assigned a guardian angel in the hopes that they'll grow kind enough to return to heaven. An angel is assigned to a demon who's the sweetest person they've ever met. (angel!cleo x demon!bellum)**

**10) SUMMER!!! CAMP!!! AU!!!**

**11) 1AM shopping spree with Team Carmen!**

**12) Princess! Carmen x Servant! Julia**

**13) Foreign ruler!Carmen x Unknowingly sold to the foreign ruler as part of a peace treaty!Julia (royal adviser of one place is sent to foreign ruler's castle, who welcomes them like royalty, they learn that they were sold to the foreign ruler [shook], ruler goes ballistic upon learning they had no idea)**

**14) Faculty Car trip**

**15) PTA Dadosan. Just. Shadowsan on the PTA being done with people's shit**

**16) VILE Faculty rehabilitation AU- Cleo and Saira's kid gets in trouble and the principle gets to meet "the family"**

**17) matching tattoos SOULMATE AU**

**18) Mother Nature reclaims the world, and the few survivors organized into gangs AU**

-Gang Leader! Carmen x Rival Gang member! Julia

-Gang leader! Cleo x Gang medic! Bellum

-Gang member!El Topo x Gang member!Le Chevre

**19) VILE DND (this will end badly)**

**20) Prank wars**

**21) some minorly connected oneshots about the Faculty when they were students, or maybe a short story with them???**

**22) A SWAP universe**

-Evil!ACME and Good!VILE

-Ships: (Jeantonio)(Cleobellum)[inside the harlem: (Carmen x Julia)(Carmen x Ivy)(Carmen x Sheena]

Evil!Carmen (White Sheep)

-wears a white coat and hat, has red eyes (Mutations!), her coat permanently stained in blood, knows full well what she's doing and loves ever second of it

-a sociopath and a psychopath, obsessional issues

TEAM RED/THE GANG/Morticia's Criminal Empire

\- Destructive Hacker! Player,

a 16-year old hacker in a mental asylum. He used the limited technology in his area (and the stuff he stole from the staff) to ease his boredom by hacking and destroying anything he could. A chronic liar who suffers from Dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia. Morticia's closest friend. She breaks him out soon after her escape, using her newfound criminal empire to burn his asylum to the ground, gaining him and recruiting several other convicts in the process. He lives inside Morticia's estate, inside a secret bunker he rarely leaves, acting as her eyes and ears on the internet.

-Mafia second-in-command!Zack

Switchback Zack is a 27 year old Bostonite and Ivy's little brother. The second-in-command and the best getaway driver, he earned his name thanks to his geniusness in outrunning cops on the road (switchback roads are his specialty) and his uncanny ability to switch back and forth from a positive 'innocent' kid to the terrifying enforcer of Poison Ivy's rules. Under "Boss M", Zack plays the role of a getaway driver, a loyal operative, and her eyes and ears in the city. Thanks to his connections and friendship with Morticia, he lives on the estate with his sister

-Mafia Boss!Ivy

Poison Ivy is a 28 year-old Bostonite and Zack's older sister. The boss of the Boston Mafia, she earned her name due to her dangerous attitude and her specialty with deadly poisons. She has violent anger issues, and doesn't mind getting her hands dirty to get what she wants. As a Concubine to Morticia, she enjoys the luxury of being treated like royalty by the servants and having a large amount of control over the empire. Morticia's first lover, Ivy has a bunch of cred in the huge organization, making her a force to be reckoned with. Ivy lives on Morticia's estate in one of the rooms conjoined with Morticia's main bedroom with her brother Zack.

Morticia' s Concubines and Concubinators

-Poison Ivy (her lover from the Boston mafia)

-Julia 'Jewel Thief' Argent (a former ACME agent, her lover from her rival)

-Sheena "Tigress"

-more to be added

VILE

-Forensic Scientist!Bellum

Dr. Kara Bellum was the lead Forensic scientist and a member of the Head Counsel during White Sheep's life on VILE Island. An optimistic, believing-the-best in anyone type of cop, she was non-violent for most of her life. Her son Gray, and her wife Cleopatra worked together at VILE. Unfortunately, this loving and trusting scientist was in the way of White Sheep's escape, causing the killer to use her as an example. White Sheep cut out her eyes, permanently blinding her, and brutally tortured her. When the other VILE Counsel members finally found her, White Sheep was long gone, and had left them a hand-written message in Dr. Bellum's blood: _"Enjoy this while you can, cause i'm going to kill everyone on this island and burn it to the ground."_ Thankfully, Kara pulled through, but she had to rebuilt herself with the very technology she created. Kara became a cyborg, parts of her face, part of her torso, her eyes, her left arm, her right shoulder, and some of her teeth were replaced by metal and machine. As one of the five people who contributed to White Sheep's upbringing, she was viewed as an attachment, a weakness, and a liability, something to be removed. 

-Field cop!Brunt

As one of the five people who contributed to White Sheep's upbringing, she was viewed as an attachment, a weakness, and a liability, something to be removed. 

-Chief!Maelstrom

As one of the five people who contributed to White Sheep's upbringing, he was viewed as an attachment, a weakness, and a liability, something to be removed. 

-Deputy! Cleo

As one of the five people who contributed to White Sheep's upbringing, she was viewed as an attachment, a weakness, and a liability, something to be removed. 

\- Victims Advocate!Antonio,

-Field cop!Jean-Paul

-Evidence Technician!Gray

-Field cop!Sheena (later a concubine)

-Assistant!Dash

-Evidence Technician!Neal

-Field cop!Mime Bomb(goes by Felix)

**-IDK WHAT to do with Shadowsan (the first victim? An evil mentor?)**

ACME

-Operative! Chase

-Operative!Julia (later a concubine)

-Operative!Zari

-Leader! Chief/Tamara Fraser

_Some backstory_

_White Sheep grew up on VILE island, the **V** irtuous **I** nternational **L** eague of **E** quality's home base. This world-wide police force works to keep tabs on A.C.M.E. and act as international ambassadors, the go between in violent wars, and investigators that follow the worst instances of murders, disappearances, or terrorism. They are a well-known elite crime fighting agency that eventually becomes her first rival. Her Father, Chief Dexter Wolfe, ran off with one of the agents of ACME, leaving behind his newborn daughter on VILE island. His civilian wife, Vera Cruz, was found dead the same day he ran away, apparently murdered. His former colleges and Head Counsel of VILE raised his abandoned daughter as their own, heartbroken by his betrayal. White Sheep had a good childhood, but it always felt like she was missing something. The form of stability came when she killed her first victim. It was played off as an accident, with White Sheep teary confessing to a worried Faculty who were quick to excuse her of wrongdoing. White Sheep played off her guardian's blind trust and limitless love for her and used it to commit various crimes. She hid her real nature from her family, confiding instead in a hacker named Player who hacked through the thick layers of security in VILE just to prove could. He became her first operative when she ran away from VILE island. _

_On December 1st, White Sheep made her escape, killing the Bookkeeper and stealing her ride along with several other valuables in VILE possession. During her escape, she ran into Dr. Bellum, who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. White Sheep left her gruesome message on scientist, she tore her eyes out, blinding her, but leaving her alive to pass on the message: "I'm going to kill everyone on this island and burn it to the ground."_

_Having declared herself an international villain, White Sheep, now "The Ivory Shadow" or, her new name "Morticia Santa Fe" (Morticia is an Addams Family member, and is built off of mortician, an undetaker)(Santa Fe happens to be extremely haunted). With the help of Player, Morticia quickly became a fearful sight to behold throughout the world, thanks to her murders and violent crimes. Her taste for blood was evenly matched with her desire for adventure, which she turned into fuel for her criminal empire._

_A few months after escaping VILE island, Morticia ran into the Boston mafia in an all out duel with their rival gang "The Raiders" and the local police force. Being bored as she was, and her quick interest in the Mafia's boss, a hardened bostinite called Poison Ivy, Morticia stepped in to assist, brutally killing everyone who dared to attack her (the cops mostly) or Ivy. After the massacre, Poison Ivy and her second-in-command/brother Switchback Zack confronted her. Impressed with her actions, the two invited her to join up, but Morticia instead decided to take the offer of 'business partner'._

_Morticia established herself in a large stronghold on the Boston Harbor as a well-known criminal leader, and some one whom not even the cops messed with. You needed her permission to start anything in her city, which made it easy for her to keep tabs on everyone around her. She collects a Harlem of evildoers as her deputies, all her lovers in their own right, bloodthirsty and cruel as the Ivory Shadow herself. Her large estate holds her most valuable treasures, including: her deputies, large cashes of gems, and the rooms where she spends all her down time. Most of Morticia's power is focused on the Northeast portion of America, her influence covers the whole globe, every country knows of her name. She looks for her Father, a former police chief of VILE named Dexter, so she can take vengeance upon him for abandoning her and killing her mother._

_ACME, the_ **A** _narchically_ **C** _riminal_ **M** _asterminds_ **E** _mbassary, plays the role of her second rival. An underground criminal organization like the real VILE, they orchestrate the biggest and baddest crimes all over the world. Upon discovering the baby of VILE went rouge and is now the best known super-villain in the world, they desperately want to recruit her, as both an information source to their enemy and a talented criminal. She repeatedly ignores and outdoes them, which only made their obsession greater. _

_ACME spends the whole time chasing Morticia and trying to avoid VILE, Morticia wants to destroy them both and kill her father, and VILE tries to capture Morticia and stop ACME's evil ways._

**23) I got a request for Player fluff, so idk what imma do with that but i'm working on it**

**24) more Jeantonio**

**25) DEAGED FIC!!!!!!!!!**

**26) AI!Bellum**

After an experiment goes horribly wrong, Dr. Bellum finds herself stuck in the world wide web. Forever. Unable to return to the real world. Only able to interact with living beings through screens, existing immortally online, and discovering nre ways to interface all over the globe, Dr. Bellum slowly starts losing her human qualities and starts fading into a computer program. Can VILE save her before she's gone for good?

_ Bellum's new description _

_-looks the same, except her eyes are now blank black backgrounds with changing symbols: (Warning symbols, loading symbols, ERROR messages, etc) Wears her goggles up on her forehead more often_

_-Glitches when upset or angry_

_-Her voice is slightly distorted, but her accent and attitude remain intact_

_-when she interacts with anyone, they see her in her "base", a computery lab control room_

_ Abilities _

_-floating/flying through the web_

_-watches though cameras connected to the internet_

_-can listen through any speaker connected to the internet_

_-connect to any computer_

_-can monitor the internet at extremely fast speeds_

_So, yeah, if y'all could leave some constructive criticisms, ideas, or bad jokes that'd be great thx_

Update #1: wow maybe I should make a different book for my story ideas? This is up to about 3500 words!

Update #2: Has anyone actually read this? Bc I keep adding to it and I need some feedback 

Update #3: I REALLY wish I could draw some of these (especially the various different versions of the canon characters!)

Update #4: I try to avoid to many OC's, but sometimes I use them to flesh out the story a bit. The characters need other people to interact with sometimes.

Update #5: I have a great backstory and characters in my mind for the SWAP AU (number 22), but I don't really have a storyline to follow if I were to write it out. I was thinking, maybe I have Morticia and Carmen meet and their universes collide, and the original Team Red, original ACME, SWAP! VILE, and some members of the original VILE team up to fight SWAP! Team RED, SWAP!ACME, original VILE, and some members from the original ACME.

Update #6: I just can't write anything involving RedCrackle. I just don't like it. It's like shipping Carmen and Player, you just don't ship platonic siblings bruh.

Update #7: I can't bring myself to break up Le Chevre and El Topo in anything, no matter what the universe or storyline. 


	13. Headcanons part1

_Just a few things I cannot live without in this show, even if they are only in my mind..._

1) Crackle loves Star Wars, and he drives the other operatives crazy bc he makes lightsaber noises when he fights with the cracklerods 

2) None of the Faculty understand Meme Culture, which causes them to be confused when an operative quotes a vine

3) Dr. Bellum understands a few facts of meme cultural due to the time she spent with Crackle. Crackle is VERY proud of this fact, but the other Faculty hates the fact that sometimes Dr. Bellum will use a slang word Crackle taught her without realizing it during meetings.

4) Countess Cleo has had a mental breakdown due to Meme culture. The Cleaners found her crying in her classroom once. When asked what was wrong, she said:  
"What the FUCK is a yeet????"

5) Crackle called Dr. Bellum "Mom" once on accident, so she started calling him "Her dear boy" as a joke. It stuck.

6) Dr. Bellum changed the name of the 'Cracklerod' to 'Fizzlestick' after Crackle's decommissioning due to the name bringing too many painful memories of the boy she must pretend never existed.

7) Sexuality Headcanons

-Carmen is Pansexual  
-Player is questioning  
-Ivy is a lesbian   
-Zack is bisexual  
\- Antonio is gay  
\- Jean-Paul is gay  
\- Mime Bomb is asexual   
\- Sheena is pansexual  
\- Shadowsan is heteroflexible  
\- Bellum is lesbian   
\- Cleo is pansexual   
\- Brunt is straight  
\- Maelstrom is asexual   
\- Paper Star is bisexual  
\- The Cleaners are asexual   
\- Chief is questioning  
\- Chase is straight  
\- Julia is lesbian

8) Dr. Bellum and Maelstrom have NERF gun fights at random times, both of them refusing to admit defeat

9) Brunt always wanted a child, but she was never able to. She was ecstatic when they got Black Sheep, loving her like her own daughter

10) Maelstrom is extremely flexible, not quite on Neal the Eel's level, but flexible.

11) Dr. Bellum and Maelstrom are the reason a "Banned Items List" exists (from their operative days), but Black Sheep beat them on the amount of items she got banned.

12) Maelstrom is a false-albino, because his unnatural paleness makes him seem albino but his blue eyes show he is not a true albino

13) This number is cursed.

14) "They didn't protect the face" is a VILE meme

15) One time Dr. Bellum was high on pain-meds, and she started highlighting everything important to her. Cleo, Maelstrom, Brunt, Black Sheep, and Crackle all had bright blue highlighter on their faces after this incident. Shadowsan refused to let the high-off-her-ass doctor highlight his face, which made her so upset, causing Shadowsan to reluctantly let her highlight him

16) The second Black Sheep was officially taller than Dr. Bellum, she teased her about nonstop for days until Dr. Bellum broke down crying. The other Faculty still like giving her a hard time about it

17) Dr. Bellum refused to wipe Crackle's mind, instead pretending to them releasing him back into normal society with all his memories intact. She still secretly visits him

18) Countess Cleo is descended from royalty

19) A student once submitted an essay entirely in Internet lingo, causing Maelstrom to bring the paper to a faculty meeting. This resulted in all 5 faculty members trying to decipher it for 3 hours. The student got a 100 because they gave up before they had fully translated it.

20) Black Sheep claimed Crackle as her brother to the Faculty members, and they just rolled with it  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

**THIS** **WILL DEFINITELY BE CONTINUED BC I JUST KEEP HEADCANONING** 🙃

**COMMENT YOUR HEADCANONS HERE!!!**


	14. Sleeping Headcanons

**VILE**

1) Due to past trauma, paranoia, and general mental issues, the Faculty often do not sleep alone. They participate in "Group Sleeping", basically all sleeping on top of each other for protecting

2) Shadowsan was introduced to this concept within the first few weeks of him becoming a member of the Faculty. The ninja couldn't find any of the others for a few hours until he located them all passed out on Countess Cleo's bed

3) The Faculty is adjusted to all sleeping together (usually in groups of 2's and 3's) to the point that they can't sleep alone

4) The Faculty can sleep through Brunt's snoring due to exposure 

5) Most members of VILE have nightmares, and the Faculty is no exception

Dr. Bellum

~curls up almost cat-like, prefers to cuddle against another when sleeping (usually Cleo)

~will go for days without sleeping until one of the other Faculty members forces her to sleep

Countess Cleo

~lays perfectly still when sleeping

~sleeps better with the weight of another on her chest (usually Saira)

Professor Maelstrom

~completely covers himself in blankets like a soft cocoon

~sleeps completely hidden, can't sleep exposed

~has insomnia

Coach Brunt

~splays out and snores loud enough to wake the dead

~can't go to sleep until she knows the other members are safe

Crackle (I'm STILL in denial)

~sleep talks

~builds a huge pillow nest and cuddles in in blankets

Le Chevre and El Topo

~snuggle time

~sleep in El Topo's bed bc El Topo refuses to let go of Le Chevre 

Tigress

~thrashes in her sleep

~hugs a pillow to her chest and sleeps for 2 hours at a time, waking up frequently

**Team Carmen**

Shadowsan

~twitches in his sleep and snores softly

~it took him a while to get used to sleeping with the other members, but now that he left, he has not slept well without their presence

Carmen

~sleeps lightly, ready to jump into action

~can't sleep if anyone else in the base is awake

Player

~often sleeps at his desk due to his fear of not being there in an emergency

~runs on about 3 collective hours of sleep and coffee

Zack and Ivy

~curl up together on the couch or end up in each other's beds

**A.C.M.E**

Julia

~upholds a decent sleep schedule

~likes to drink tea before going to bed

Chase

~randomly passes out in public places, on his kitchen floor, anywhere really

~doesn't sleep for 56 hours then tanks for days

_____________________________

_Bruh I wish I could draw, so I could draw these scenes. Feel free to use any of my posts on this story (just please @ me so I can see it💖) as writing or drawing prompts!_


	15. Headcanons part 2

**21)** Maelstrom overheats very quickly because he was born in the Scandinavian region and is used to colder weather. Even though he lives on a tropical island, he spends most of his time indoors in the air conditioning.

 **22)** Dr. Bellum has walked in on El Topo and Le Chevre having sex in a supply closet before. She couldn't look at them for days.

 **23)** The Faculty members attempt to learn every language of their operatives, but on Maelstrom and Cleo were any good at it. Shadowsan never had time to try and puzzle out new languages, Brunt kept rage-quitting, and Dr. Bellum's ADHD made it impossible for her to stay focused on doing something that drives her crazy for long. After all, turns of phrases annoy her.

 **24)** The Faculty have a Wii in their lounge that they mess around with when they are hanging out together between classes. Countess Cleo has the high score on Dance Dance Revolution, Brunt has the high score across the board for all the Wii sports games. Dr. Bellum and Professor Maelstrom often play the two player version of various MARIO games, and see who can cheat the most without getting caught.

 **25)** Brunt has gotten angry enough that she has thrown Maelstrom out of a third story window before. She apologized later. He was fine in the end, but he broke both his arms, his right leg, several ribs, and got a concussion. He has never completely forgiven her.

 **26)** Crackle and Black Sheep gave a presentation once in Maelstrom's class called " _Fuck Cops",_ and proceeded to roast cops for over 100 slides. Maelstrom gave them a 100%.

 **27)** Dr. Bellum has an airhorn, and she uses it to get her class's attention. Cleo once stole it, and used it to annoy Maelstrom by blaring it everytime he tried to speak during a Faculty meeting. He shut up pretty quickly.

 **28)** A lot of VILE operatives are LGBTQ+ and have been rejected by their families for it. 4 of 5 Faculty members are somewhere on the scale, all except Brunt who was raised homophobic. She got over that once by living with the gay fucks of VILE for over 20 years.

/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\

_So...what was up with that Interactive Episode?_

_Is that canon? The Bonus scene certainly isn't (it was funny though)_

_Also, the amount of Carmen x Julia content in it was STELLAR!!!!_

_And the hinted CleoBellum was pretty great too (Cleo's sass never stops and Dr. Bellum hung out with her the WHOLE episode basically, like DAMN)_

_Cleo's!!!! Shoulder!!!! Wiggle!!!! Was!!!! So!!!! Cute!!! Like!!!! What!!!!_

_I spent WAY to much time messing around with that episode._

_El Topo.....my boy....just YES_

El Topo: "El topo hates no one!"

Me: I!!! Would!!! Die!!! For!!! You!!!!

_Also Le chevre's sass_

_and tigress's moodyness_

_and Zack and Ivy's beat boxing_

_BOI WHERE WAS SHADOWSAN THE FUCK?_

**I LOVED THIS EPISODE HOLY CRAP I JUST--**


	16. Crack- part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Carmen literally every five minutes @VILE: Sike BITCH! You thought you'd seen the last of me?!)
> 
> I hope everyone is having a good time and is staying safe during this boring ass Quarantine!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to @Breemarie12256 and @WolvesLament for being such wonderful people and acting as my inspiration

Zack: I've connected the dots

Ivy: You didn't connect shit!

Zack: I've connected them

\------------------------------

Shadowsan: Yeah, we're best friends, but I'd fuck you if you asked.

Maelstrom: What?

Dr. Bellum: *drunk off her ass* HE SAID HE'D FUCK YOU IF YOU ASKED!

\------------------------------

Player: What's that?

Carmen: Oh, just my To-Do list

Player: ....it just has Julia's name on it

Carmen: *smirks*

\---------------------------------

Crackle (texting his soon-to-be ex): _How could you? I trusted you, LOVED you, and you CHEATED on me!_

Crackle: _oh, sorry Dr. Bellum, that was for someone else_

Dr. Bellum: _no problem_

Dr.Bellum: _on a completely unrelated note, have you seen my flamethrower?_

_\------------------------------------------_

Dr. Bellum: hey Gray, how's class

Crackle: terrible, i want to kill everyone here.

Dr.Bellum: ok, just don't get any blood on your uniform, it's a pain to wash out. 

Crackle: thx mom _  
_

\-----------------------------------

Maelstrom: "I don't go crazy, I'm already crazy. Sometimes, I go normal." 

Dr. Bellum, Shadowsan, Brunt, Cleo, Roundabout, the Cleaners: No you don't 

Maelstrom: well, what do you expect, a miracle? FUCK OFF!

\------------------------------------

Tigress: "you piss me off so much" 

Gray: i literally only said "Hello" 

Tigress: "yet here I am, boiling in rage."

\----------------------------------------

Dr. Bellum: "I need more sleep." 

Cleo: "well, maybe if you'd stop keeping me up all night, we'd BOTH be less tired." 

Roundabout: "....oh?" 

Cleo: "shut up, we were watching cat videos"

\-------------------------------

Shadowsan: I can fit the whole world in my hands.

Maelstrom: Suhara, that's physically impossible-

Shadowsan: (cups Maelstrom's face) 

Maelstrom: (extreme blushing) 

Brunt: (on her 5th cup of coffee in two hours) Between you two and the lesbians, i'm constantly third wheeling you guys.

\----------------------------

Brunt: so what do the blood test results say? 

Maelstrom: you're O-negative, you're a universal blood donor. You could give your blood to anyone.

Brunt: (concerned) Or no one you fucking vampire!

\-------------------------------

Maelstrom: why do you hate me so much?

Brunt: because it's fun

\------------------------------

Dr. Bellum: do i look straight? 

Maelstrom: not in the slightest.

Dr. Bellum: i meant my parking job

Maelstrom: oh, in that case, you're fine.

\-----------------------------

Black Sheep: Gray! They're in the yard!

Gray: who?? 

Black Sheep: the boys!

Gray: (gasp) MY MILKSHAKES

\-------------------

Black Sheep: I don't get it, who would want to kill Gray?

Tigress: Oh, I don't know, maybe because they met him?

Crackle: wow rude?

\--------------------

Countess Cleo: I'm not interested in being polite or heterosexual

\------------------------

Black Sheep @ the Faculty: "I'm not just gonna stand here and listen to you accuse me of things I clearly did."

\---------------------------

Le Chevre: "Nice hands Antonio, but I bet they would look even better wrapped around my-" 

Gray: "AROUND THE WORD OF GOD, HIS HOLY BIBLE AMEN."

\--------------------------

Ivy: "you dont think i can fight because I'm a girl!" 

Shadowsan: "no, i don't think you can fight because you're wearing a wedding dress. If it's any consolation, i don't think Zack could fight in that dress either." 

Zack: "maybe not, but I'd make a radiant bride!"

\-------------------------------

Player: "i have to pee but i'm to lazy to get up." 

Zack: "looks like urine trouble." 

Shadowsan: .... 

Carmen: .... 

Julia: ....

Ivy: (on the ground laughing)

\-------------------------

Dr. Bellum: "Countess, why is your hand on my butt?"

Cleo: "It was an accident."

Dr. Bellum: "you're hand is still on my butt." 

Cleo: "it's still an accident."

\--------------------------------

Carmen: What's the word for sad and mad?

Ivy: Upset

Shadowsan: distraught

Zack: smad

\------------------------

Ivy: "I do NOT have a crush on Carmen!" 

Ivy: "She's just someone I enjoy looking at, and it ruins my day when she's not here."

\--------------------------

Julia: "You know those moments where I tell you something isnt a good idea-" 

Chase: "-and I ignore you? Yes."

\--------------------

Gray, shortly before being stabbed by Paper Star stabbed him: "whatcha' gonna do, stab me?"

\------------------

Dash: "We're so in sync, we finish each other's-" 

Zack: "-sentences"

Dash: "please don't interrupt me."

\------------------------

Tigress: "Can I tell you a secret?" 

Paper Star: "Wouldn't recommend it, no."

\-----------------------------

Le Chevre: "Nice Shirt" 

El Topo: "Thanks, it was 50% off." 

Le Chevre: "I'd like it better 100% off"

El Topo: "The store cant just give stuff away for free!"

Le Chevre: .....

El Topo: That's a terrible way to run a business!

\-----------------

Dr. Bellum: Wait, are you flirting with me????

Countess Cleo: Have been for the past 5 years, thank you for noticing

\-----------------------

Dr. Bellum: When have I EVER done anything rash or irriesponsible?

Countess Cleo: Would you like the list in alphabetical or chronological order?

\-------------------------

Crackle: You use sacrasm to distance people

Tigress: And yet you're still here

\----------------------

Cleo: Why would you give Black Sheep a knife???

Maelstrom: She felt unsafe.

Cleo: Now I feel unsafe!

Maelstrom: I'm sorry.

Maelstrom: Would you like a knife?

Maelstrom (turning to Shadowsan): I'm a great parent

Shadowsan: *sighs*

\------------------------------

Crackle: Why are El Topo and Le Chevre sitting with their backs to each other?

Black Sheep: They had a fight.

Crackle: Then why are they holding hands?

Black Sheep: They get sad when they fight.

\-----------------------

Dash: I don't dress to impress, I dress to depress.

Dash: I look so good I make people hate themselves.

\-------------------------

Shadowsan throughout the entire show: I'm ONE minor inconvenience away from losing my shit

\------------------------------

Zack: I wasn't hurt that badly! You told me I had internal bleeding; that's where the blood is supposed to be!

Ivy: OML

\--------------------------------

Maelstrom: I DO WHAT I WANT

Brunt: I'm getting Shadowsan

Maelstrom: wait no-

\----------------------------------

Brunt: Here's a fun Christmas idea. We'll hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to fight whoever's under there.

Cleo: We are not doing that.

Maelstrom: Mistlefoe.

Cleo: NO!

\-------------------------

El topo: *goes for a kiss*

Le Chevre: Antonio, please. The others do not know we are dating!

Tigress: *walking by* Yes, we do.

\-----------------------

Dr. Bellum: *enters the briefing room, blushing and uncharacteristically disheveled* I apologize for the delay, I was caught up in an experiment.

Countess Cleo: *enters behind her, looking incredibly smug* I'm the experiment.

\-----------------------

Maelstrom: Must you always attack me with words?

Countess Cleo: Oh, would you prefer I use rocks?

\------------------------------------------

Paper Star: I may have a couple of knives up my sleeve.

Dash Haber: ... You mean tricks?

Neal the Eel: No, she means knives, love.

\-------------------------------------

Carmen: I'm gonna need you to swear—

Zack and Ivy: (in unison) Fuck!

Carmen: ....

Carmen: Swear as in promise....


	17. Crack- part 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling cracky

Chief: Chase keeps calling me. 

Zari: I bet $20 that he crashed another car. 

Julia: Do you have so little faith on him? 

Chief: Yeah, pretty much. Agent Zari I would bet $100.

\-------

Roundabout: wtf 

Cleo: what's up? 

Roundabout: Maelstrom just came into the laudryroom, opened a new thing of Laundry detergent, chugged the whole thing, and left. 

Brunt: LOL 

Roundabout: HOW IS THIS MAN STILL ALIVE?

Bellum: spite

\-------

Maelstrom: well, this is fun! 

Roundabout: i have never been more stressed out in my entire life

\----------

Maelstrom: i'm tired of people being like "go to the hospital" and that I've "lost a lot of blood". This is MY stab would not yours. Stay out of it! 

Roundabout: ... 

Roundabout: is..is this normal? 

Bellum: yeah 

Cleo: for him anyway

Brunt: I've already alerted the medical wing

\-----------

Cleo: I hope you have a good explanation for this 

Maelstrom: we have three actually 

Bellum: pick your favorite

\-------------

Player: tried to make RAMEN in a coffee pot and broke everything 

Carmen: nice

\----------------

Zack: I just slept for 12 hours, but I'm still tired, so i think I'll make it 12 more 

Ivy: Zack, that's a coma

Zack: sounds festive

\------

Paper Star: I have one emotion and it's hatred 

Tigress: you texted me over 100 heart emojis last night 

Paper Star: out of hatred

\------------

Chase: surgery is just stabbing someone to life 

Julia: please never become a surgeon

\--------------

Bellum: can you kill a zombie with a shovel?

Brunt: I'm a little busy, do it yourself

\----------

Maelstrom: hold my morals, I have some shit I need to take care of 

Shadowsan: what morals? 

Maelstrom: rude.

\-----

Le Chevre: my life in one picture 

Le Chevre: 

Tigress: there's no picture 

Le Chevre: i have have no life

\-----------

Crackle: DUDE 

El Topo: please don't type in caps, i just woke up and i cant read that loud

\--------------

Maelstrom: I promise i wont make a pact with a demon 

Shadowsan: i don't believe you but okay

\---------

Cleo: I'm like, 90% sass 

Brunt: what about the other 10%? 

Bellum: glitter

\------------

(Shadowsan and Maelstrom text messages) 

Shadowsan: you will machete your way through this 

Shadowsan: *make it 

Shadowsan: please don't machete your way through it 

Maelstrom: too late

\------------

Tigress: where are you? 

Paper Star: somewhere between psychotic and ironic

Tigress: .... 

Paper Star: oh, you meant location

\-----------

Crackle: can you have a mid-life crisis at 21? 

Black Sheep: i don't even think I'll make it to 21

Le Chevre: I've been having a crisis for the past three years

Crackle: I'll take that as a yes

\-----------

Cleo: based on genital structures, men should be wearing skirts and women should be wearing pants

Maelstrom: the Scots were right all along! 

Bellum: the Scottish people did it to conceal more knives on their person 

Maelstrom: **THE SCOTS WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG**

\-----------

Crackle: I'm like a hexagon 

Crackle: all my hecks are gone

\----------

Le Chevre: there was a complication with the plan 

Tigress: by complication he means explosion 

Black Sheep: when was the last time anything ever went according to plan? 

Crackle: I don't think there ever was a 'last time' 

El Topo: we had a plan?

\------------

(Roundabout after being stuck with Maelstrom and Bellum in the lab)

Roundabout: "Guys.....it was really... _fun_...but I DON'T want to glow anymore! 

Bellum, taking a sip of her piña colada at 9am: sounds like a 'you problem'

\--------------

Bellum: I asked for a steak knife at the restaurant, but the waiter could see in my eyes that was a bad idea 

Bellum: so I've been trying to cut my steak with a butter knife for the last 20 minutes 

Cleo: LOL

Bellum: it's not working 

Bellum: Maelstrom is now cutting up my steak for me 

Bellum: I feel every bit like a four year old 

Bellum: so I'm gonna pout like one

Cleo: you do that sweetheart

\--------------

Roundabout: it hurts to pull the glue off my skin, and I'm still finding glitter in my hair 

(The Faculty looking completely unrepentant) 

Bellum: we just wanted to decorate you

\-------------

(Julia and Carmen texting)

Julia: I'm tired and need a hug

Carmen: do you want me to deliver said hug? 

Julia: yes 

Julia: please 

Carmen: are you home? 

Julia: yes 

Carmen: I just climbed out my hotel window

Carmen: I'm on my way now 

Julia: yay! :D

\---------

(Zack & Dash texting)

Zack: nice ass 

Zack: dammit man, I didn't send that, Ivy took my phone

Dash: ...are you saying I don't have a nice ass? 

Zack: ..... 

Zack: you've got me in a box there

\----------

Maelstrom : I just feed a duck one of Saira's weed brownies

Maelstrom: it hasn't moved in 20 minutes 

Shadowsan: ... 

Shadowsan: where do I even begin?

\-------

Brunt: It's Black Sheep's first day of School! Now lambkins, remember your manners and magic words like "please" "thank you" and "fuck off bitch", 'kay? Have a good day!

\-------

Bellum: sorry for talking about super sciency stuff last night while I was drunk. I know it annoys you sometimes when I don't shut up 

Cleo: What? You sat on the couch last night for two hours staring at your fingerprints, and the only words out of your mouth were "how?"

\-----------

Crackle: I was trying to avoid making eye contact with Professor Maelstrom in the hallway and I ran into a wall. 

Crackle: I can still hear him laughing behind me

\--------

Brunt: rules to learning English 

Brunt: their our know rules 

Bellum: first of all, screw you. Second of all, screw THAT

\--------

(Maelstrom texting Bellum) 

Maelstrom: ok, first of all 

Maelstrom: who gave you the right to send me the Gettysburg address in Morse code

\-----------

Neal: have you ever accidentally befriended someone really annoying? 

Dash: yeah, you. 

Crackle: for a second I though you said 'beheaded' instead of 'befriended' 

Paper Star: THAT would not be an accident

\---------

Brunt: MAYBE WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER! 

Maelstrom: I lived near a town in Norway called Hell, and it freezes over every winter 

Brunt: ....dammit

\----------

Zack: Shadowsan told me to stop imitating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down 

Player: lol

Shadowsan: no, you don't understand, he has been hoping around on one foot wearing a pink feather boa and making flamingo noises all day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL the conversation between Neal, Crackle, Dash and Paper Star was based on Team Crackle from the Team Red series by MangoKat. I love their interpretations of these characters, and I feel that they have a lot of crackhead energy to utilize.


	18. Crack- part 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double update! Yay!

Zack: bouncy castle at 3 o'clock  
Ivy: last one there is a mature loser  
———

Dr Bellum: I wasn't that drunk last night

Maelstrom: You were flirting with Cleo  
Dr Bellum: So? She's my wife  
Maelstrom: You asked her if she was single...  
Dr Bellum: ....  
Maelstrom: and cried when she said no.  
————

Crackle: on a scale from 1 to Australia, how dangerous is this plan?  
Black Sheep: Throwing an apple at Cleo  
Crackle: jeez, we are NOT doing something that dangerous  
———-

Bellum: you're stuck being my best friend forever, because at this point you know too much.  
Maelstrom: fair enough

——  
Crackle: my shins are bruised  
Black Sheep: well, if you had woken up the first time i kicked you, I wouldn't have had to do it 7 more times

——-  
Crackle: intoxicated people, children, and leggings always tell the truth.  
Black Sheep: ...wanna get Dr. Bellum drunk again?  
Gray: absolutely

—-  
Player: so, what are we going to do tomorrow?  
Carmen: dude, i don't even know what i'm doing right now  
———

Shadowsan: how much does a soul cost?  
Shadowsan: cause i feel like we should get one for Maelstrom

——-  
Cleo: Saira, where are you?  
Cleo: i hear fireworks and you've gone missing, this can't be a coincidence  
———  
Brunt: getting ready to screw with Cleo, send me everything you got  
Bellum: fuck that, I'll be there in 5 minutes  
Brunt: ...don't you have a class right now?  
Bellum: ......  
Bellum: I'll be there in 5 minutes  
——-

Maelstrom: 10  
Brunt: ?  
Brunt: 10 what  
Maelstrom: 9  
Brunt: dude what are you talking about?  
Cleo: huh?  
Maelstrom: 8  
Brunt: I don't get the joke  
Bellum: what the fuck?  
Maelstrom: 7  
Bellum: seriously what are you doing?  
Brunt: WHY WONT YOU ANSWER ME  
Maelstrom: 6  
Cleo: explain what you're doing NOW  
Brunt: this ISN'T funny  
Maelstrom: 5  
Bellum: I'M SO CONFUSED   
Cleo: WHAT THE HELL ARE U DOING??  
Maelstrom: 4  
Brunt: please  
Maelstrom: 3  
Bellum: we're all gonna die aren't we  
Maelstrom: 2  
Brunt: wHAt's hAPpeNinG  
Maelstrom: 1  
Bellum: oh shit  
Brunt: ....  
Cleo: bitch are you going to answer us?  
Bellum: guys look outside   
Cleo: how the fuck  
Brunt: maelstrom how did you do that  
——-  
Cleo: where are you?  
Brunt: nursing my wounds  
Cleo: what  
Brunt: go out the side door, if you go out the front, the swan will attack  
——-

Dr. Bellum: some people ride the crazy train.  
Dr. Bellum: i drive that sucker  
———

Carmen: Shadowsan just made a dad joke  
Carmen: kill me now  
——-

Countess Cleo: That's not funny.

Dr. Bellum: I thought it was funny.

Countess Cleo: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.

\-------

Zack: (knocking on Carmen's door) Carmen! We need to go! Come up!

Carmen: I'm gay!

Zack: Not what I meant, but I support you!

\----------

Le Chevre: Do you even know what an amulet is?

El Topo: Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions!

Tigress: Antonio, those are omelettes.

El Topo: Oh. Then I've got nothing

\--------

Roundabout: Hey ya'll. So, I know I'm the new guy here, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say... I don't know what the fuck is going on.

The other Faculty Members: Agreed.

\--------

Le Chevre: I want to be a Caterpillar

Tigress: Explain?

Le Chevre: Eat a lot. Sleep for a long time. Wake up beautiful with no effort.

Crackle: you do know they have a lifespan of like a week, right?

Le Chevre: just another highlight

\--------

Crackle: The last time your parents put you down, they never picked you back up again.

Black Sheep: I told this to Coach Brunt, and she still hasn't put me down.

\-----------

Carmen: what did you guys do?

Zack: we'll tell you, but you have to promise you won't be mad

Carmen: I promise

Ivy: So first of all, we were minding our own business-

Carmen: (slams hands on the table) BULLSHIT!

Zack and Ivy: WE WERE!

\----------

Shadowsan: please state your gender

Maelstrom: depression

Bellum: science

Cleo: fabulous

Brunt: rage

Crackle: gamer

Black Sheep: cheese

El Topo: potato

Le Chevre: attitude

Mime Bomb: garbage

Tigress: skill

Dash: denial

Neal the Eel: memes

Paper Star: murder

Ivy: gay

Zack: disaster

Player: coffee

Shadowsan: thanks guys, you're so helpful

\--------

Brunt: I'm on my way to therapy, any suggestions for how to pay attention

Bellum: take notes of everything your therapist says

Maelstrom: then eat the paper while maintaining eye contact

Cleo: LOL

Shadowsan: this is why you are all in therapy

\--------

Ivy: I'm going to defeat you with the power of friendship and this gun I found

Zack: Maybe the true treasure is the gun we found along the way

\-----------

Black Sheep: bruh I'm so hungry, I haven't eaten since 11

El Topo: how old are you now?

\-----------

Zack: Hey Duck! You're no good Duck!

Ivy: You'll never be shit!

Zack: you're just. like. you're father.

Carmen: what did that duck ever do to you?

Zack: bITcH sTolE mY SAndWiCh

\---------

_Love y'all, stay safe_


	19. Carmen Sandiego Crack part 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good Vibes y'all

Dr. Bellum: I'm a le

Dr. Bellum: lesb

Dr. Bellum: lesbi

Maelstrom: Take your time

Dr. Bellum: girls

\---------------

Le Chevre: I want to die

Tigress: I want to murder someone

*glance at each other*

Le Chevre: Im going to....uh...go to the bathroom

Tigress: Im...going to go study for Countess Cleo's test

El Topo: Alright, have fun

-a few seconds later-

El Topo: oh WAIT NO COME BACK-

\--------------------

Tigress: why is there blood everywhere?

Paper Star: I may have aggressively poked someone with my paper knife

El Topo: you STABBED someone?

Tigress: no, she poked someone aggressively with her paper knife, didn't you hear her?

\------------

Julia, witnessing Carmen's team being attacked by VILE operatives: This is insane!

Zack: You call it insane, we call it thursday!

Julia: It's???? Tuesday?????

\---------

Dash: oh no, the power went out!

Zack: don't worry, I got this! 

Zack: (stomps feet and reveals his shoes are light up sketchers)

Dash: babe, I love you, but why the fuck are you like this?

\------------

Zack: on a scale from 1 to 10, I'm a nine, because you're the one I need~

Dash: I am a 10

Zack: wait no, it's just a pick up line-

Dash: I. AM. A. 10.

\----------

Shadowsan: You know what real strength is? Forgiving someone who isn't even sorry

Player: Not to be dramatic, but I would literally rather die

Ivy: same

Zack: me

Carmen: mood

Shadowsan: *disappointed Dadowsan noises*

\------------

Zack and Ivy, T-posing in the doorway: Greetings parental figure.

Shadowsan, not looking up from his tea: Good morning problem children.

\-----------

(crackle and black sheep presenting an idea to the faculty)

Black Sheep: Consider the following. Seatbelts. Except they throw you out of your seats.  
Crackle: We call them: "Yeetbelts"  
The Faculty: Frantically flipping through their notes on current slang "Wtf is a YEET?"

\--------------------

Brunt: so let me get this straight-

Shadowsan: more like "let me run this _bi_ you"

Countess Cleo: how about "let's see how this _pans_ out"

Maelstrom: I don't know guys, but maybe we should _ace-_ ess the situation?

Dr. Bellum: I'm gay

\------------

Julia: What was the worst decision you made while drunk?

Chase: Well, not to brag, but I don't need alcohol to make really stupid decisions.

\--------------

(In the dorm room)

El Topo: okay, now let's actually go to sleep

Tigress: ....

Black Sheep: ....

Le Chevre: ......

Mime Bomb: ......

Crackle: _the snack that smiles back_

All: _Goldfish-_ DAMNIT CRACKLE

Crackle: (:

\-------------

Ivy: Guys, you SERIOUSLY need to calm down

Zack: BUT HOW CAN ICE CREAM BE BIRTHDAY CAKE FLAVOR IF BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR?????

Player: WE DONT NEED WE NEED ANSWERS

\-------------------

Dash, walking down the stairs: Is something burning?

Zack, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you~

Dash: Zack, the toaster is literally on fire-

\-------------------

Cleo: I'm playing a new game. It's called "Everytime I'm depressed, I take a drink."

Roundabout: That game already exists, and it's called "Alcoholism"

Brunt: Is that why Saira and Maelstrom are never sober?

Dr. Bellum and Professer Maelstrom simultaneously, both holding wine glasses: yes

\-------------------------------

Ivy, dramatically: She was poetry but he couldn't read

Zack: His name is Jarred, and he's nineteen

Player: When his parents built a very strange machine

Carmen: Watch that scene dig it the dancing queen!

Zack and Ivy together: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY MACARANA!

Shadowsan: ......horrible job everyone.

\---------------------------

Dr. Bellum: Did you know that when you break a bone, it typically will heal back stronger than before?

Brunt: So what you're saying is I should break every bone in my body until I become invincible?

Maelstrom: Yes

Countess Cleo: Please dont

\-----------------

Interviewer: let's talk romance. Are there any boys in the picture?

Carmen, leaning forward seriously: Tell me every aspect of my personality that made you think I was straight so I can fix it immediately

\------------------

Shadowsan: Maelstrom, can you carry this please?

Maelstrom, deadpan: I don't know, I can barley manage the weight of my depression

Shadowsan: Just pick up the groceries Gunnar

\-------------

Player: my parents are pressuring me to go to the Winter Formal dance at my school

Shadowsan: Have you asked anyone to go with you yet?

Player: .........Carmen, would you like to go to the dance with me?

Shadowsan: I don't think-

Carmen, glaring at Shadowsan: of course Player

\----------------

Julia: Oh god, what do we do?

Carmen: Uh.. good cop bad cop?

Ivy: Shadowsan can be Dad cop

Zack: Can I be Rad cop?

Chase: Can you guys shut up?

Carmen: Devineaux can be mad cop

Chase: This is why I'm never sober

Ivy: can someone put on flannel and be Plaid cop?

Julia: ...since when are you guys cops???

\--------------------

Dr. Bellum, jokingly: I should have Cleo kill you for that

Countess Cleo, from another room: Who?

Dr. Bellum: I'm just kidding-

Countess Cleo, walking in holding a gun: No, is he bothering you?

\-------------

Brunt: heya cupcake, how've you been? How was your first week of class?

Black Sheep: I am a festive pinata, and God is a thirteen year old kid who's parents just announced their divorce

Brunt: ...

Maelstrom, walking past: same

\------------------

Zack, holding up his phone and recording: Ok, so everyone's off on a mission and I'm home alone, and I just heard a thud upstairs. There's definitely someone else here.

Zack, walking around: ♫ _If you're here to murder me, clap your hands_ ♫

Player: (claps over his microphone)

Zack: (bolts out of the base screaming)

\--------------------

El Topo and Black Sheep: (blocking the door to the kitchen area)

Shadowsan: what are you hiding?

Black Sheep: nothing

Le Chevre, from inside: Guys, this turkey is REALLY stuck on Crackle's head, get the butter

Tigress, also inside: can't we just leave him to suffocate?

Shadowsan: ....

El Topo: ......

Black Sheep: .....

El Topo: we can explain

\------------------

El Topo: (fails a test)

El Topo: AND NOW

El Topo: I will drink my sorrows away

El Topo: (sips a capri sun)

\----------------

Dr. Bellum: you know, when I was your age-

Black Sheep, interrupting: You know, when I was your height

Dr. Bellum: ....

Dr. Bellum: wow rude

\---------------

Countess Cleo: what are we?

Dr. Bellum: Humans, unfortuantly

Countess Cleo: No, like, what are _we_?

Dr. Bellum: ....

Dr. Bellum: villains

\----------------------------

Dr. Bellum: I just calculated, Brunt is like, 100 kilos, so when she ate 800 grams of burgers last night, she became, like, 0.8% burger

Countess Cleo: It's like 3am what the fuck

\----------------------

Roundabout: I don't have the energy for this

Brunt: for what?

Roundabout: *gestures vaguely*

\--------------------

Dash: my future husband must be the uttermost pinnacle of perfection, and-

Zack: *trips over a potted plant and apologizes to it*

Dash: .........I want that one

\---------------

El Topo: why do people keep asking me who tops and who bottoms? We don't even have bunk beds???

Le Chevre: Antonio..... no.....

\----------------

Paper Star: I learned how to shoot a gun today, now I can protect you in more ways than origami

Tigress: Nothing sexier than a women who can put me out of my misery

\---------------

Stranger, flirting with Julia: did it hurt?

Julia: what?

Stranger: when you fell from heaven?

Carmen, sliding a protective hand around Julia's waist: It didn't, because I was there to catch her.

\--------------------

_Yeet LOL_

_CleoBellum is so cute and I love them_


	20. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts 11

Countess Cleo: Ugh, our can opener is broken.

Dr. Bellum: So it's a can't opener?

Cleo: .....

Cleo: I can't believe I married you  
————-  
Zack: Your bed is just a shelf where you put your body when you're not using it.

Carmen: Deleted and blocked

Ivy: But he's right

Carmen: Also blocked

Ivy: Unblock me, I have something important to tell you

Carmen: ....unblocked?

Ivy: bitch  
—————  
Roundabout: Dr. Bellum has been acting weird lately

Brunt: She is weird though

Roundabout: No, more than her usual weird

Maelstrom: have you tried turning her off and turning her back on again?

Cleo: the only person allowed to turn on Saira is me.  
————-  
Neal: so what's it like hanging out with your boyfriend and his sister?

Dash: Zack and Ivy? imagine spending time with the most mature, regal, and thoughtful people in the world

Neal: ok?

Dash: now throw that out the window  
—————-

Bellum: my day just got so much better

Cleo: what kind of cat was it?

\----------------------

Zack: You come into MY chilis, barbecue sauce on YOUR titties, and disrespect MY Valentino white bag? Fuck, I can’t believe you’ve done this! You’re disrespecting a future US Army soldier-I think I know more about American girl dolls than you do. I’ve got the power of God AND anime on my side!!!

Shadowsan, on the verge of a mental breakdown: wHat ARe yOu sAYinG????

———-----------

Player: Because there are always pregnant people, the average number of skeletons per human body is greater than one

Carmen: why must you say such cursed things?

———-----------------------------

Player: I went to a friends house, found his humidifier, poured two bottles of root beer in it, and left

Ivy: wack

———-----------------------------

Maelstrom, drunk: did you motherfuckers know an ostrich can kick the fuck out of a lion so damn hard the lion fucking dies right there? WTF that’s crazy a huge ass giraffe bird can drop kick 400 pounds of cat and kill its ass.

Brunt: should we get an exorcist?

Bellum, equally drunk: those bitches can run 40 mph wtf you gonna do if you got Extendochicken running at you like a 2004 Jeep Wrangler just pull up and Chuck Norris roundhouse your shit? It’s over for you.

Cleo: .....

Cleo: im getting an exorcist

———--------------------------------

Chief: if you’re up at 4am, you’re either in love or lonely. I don’t know which one is worse.

Julia: wow

Chase: I’m looking up Dragon Ball Z trivia

———-------------------------------------------

Bellum: Cleo just said “Oh this is going to be so fucking efficient” before spraying frebreeze directly into a ceiling fan and proceeded to cough her guts out when it flew back her face

Brunt: me

\--------------------------------------------

Julia: you are ignoring all your problems

Carmen: i know

Julia: you know, that’s not healthy

Carmen: i’m ignoring that too

———-------------------------------

Paper Star: I swing both ways

Paper Star: violently

Paper Star: with a knife

Paper Star: Come get some motherfuckers

———---------------------------------

Chase: Zari, we need-

Zari: shhhhh, im too busy not giving a fuck

———---------------------------------------

Ivy: ZACK! You Don’t drive through the building to use the drive through!

Zack: THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE UNCLEAR!

———--------------------------------

Shadowsan: Zack, I do believe I told you not to eat the last of the powdered donuts

Zack: what makes you think I ate them? You have no proof.

Shadowsan: then what is the white powdery substance all over your bed?

Zack, panicking: cocaine

————-------------------

Shadowsan, shining a flashlight under the bed: Maelstrom, are you ready to come out and face society?

Maelstrom: _hellish screeching_

Shadowsan: Understandable, have a nice day

———----------------------

Countess Cleo: ....Saira, do you want to talk about it?

Dr. Bellum, laying face down on the floor: why would you automatically assume that something is wrong?

———-------------------

El Topo: well, I can be dark and brooding too- hey guys look! A rainbow!

———---------------

_hears a knock at the door_

Carmen: I hope it’s death

Shadowsan: ((concerned parent noises))

———-------------------

Ivy: Zack and I are going to the store, yall want anything?

Player, immediately: a will to live

Carmen, deadpanned: my parents back

Shadowsan: ....

Ivy: bruh i only got like $10

———---------------------------------

Bellum, dramatic pretending to die after a 5 year old Black Sheep “killed” her: Cleo....please....i dont have much time...i only have one dying wish...

Cleo, deadpan but playing along: what

Bellum: delete my search history

———------------------------

Shadowsan, @maelstrom: I hate you

Maelstrom: bitch me too! You ain’t special!!!

Shadowsan: ..........Gunnar, we talked about this....

———---------------

911 operator: this is 911, please hold

Zack: ok

Zack, to El Topo: can you stop trying to kill me for a second, I’m on hold

El Topo: ok

Le Chevre, affronted: Antonio, you can’t just stop following the mission parameters-

El Topo, sounding scandalized: Le Chevre! He’s on hold!

[a few minutes later]

Carmen, showing up: Hey Zack, did you successfully-

[sees El Topo and Zack jamming out to the hold music. Le Chevre looks very much like he would prefer to be somewhere else]

Carmen: what the

Le Chevre: im just as confused as you are

———------------

Dr. Bellum: I am invoking the “no judgement” clause of our friendship

Coach Brunt: oh god, what have you done now

———--------

Bellum: please stop making new flavors of Coca cola, either Put the crack cocaine back in it or leave it alone

———---------------

Bellum: if the moon is made of cheese and Saturn is six, how many pancakes could you eat on Mars?

Maelstrom: purple, because aliens dont wear hats

Bellum: wrong, it Doritos flavored packing peanuts

Maelstrom: ah, yes i see, because you carry the two-

Countess Cleo: wtf is wrong with you guys?

\-------------------------

_You've YEE'd your last HAW_

_I hope y'all enjoyed part 11 of Crack!_

If you like this book, please check out my other works!


	21. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts part 12

Dash: And this is my husband-

Both Zack and Neal: Hello

Crackle: well, that's awkward..

Dash: No, they're BOTH my husbands

\----------------------------------------

Tigress: So that was a 100% successful caper

Le Chevre: ....but we lost Crackle

Tigress: A 100% successful caper

\-------------------------------------

Shadowsan: okay lets go over this again

Shadowsan: what do we do if something goes wrong?

Countess Cleo: try to fix it the best that we can

Shadowsan: okay, and if that doesn't work ?

Coach Brunt: we blame Maelstrom

Professor Maelstrom: honestly fuck you guys

\--------------------------------

Zack: are you saying you like me or not?

Dash: are you saying YOU like ME or not?

Zack: i like you !

Dash: i like you too !

Zack: fine !

Dash: well guess we're dating now !

Zack: fine !

Dash: fine !

\--------------------------------

Julia: On a scale from 1 to 10-

Chase: Bold of you to assume I can count

\-------------------------------

Maelstrom: Suhara made me feel things

Brunt: what things?

Maelstrom: feelings.

Brunt: Suhara made you feel feelings?

Maelstrom: yeah.

Brunt: what a dick

Maelstrom: I know, right?

\------------------------------------------

El Topo: why is Crackle yelling?

Le Chevre: I don't know, something about his hat.

Crackle: what do you mean my hat can't hold water? ITS A BUCKET HAT

\------------------------------------------

Carmen: Hey Jules, wanna know your gay name?

Julia: my gay name?

Carmen: yeah, its your first name and -

Julia: oh. . i get it

Carmen:[ getting on one knee ] my last name

Julia: _Oh_

\-------------------------------------------------

Zack: Dating tip: hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

Player: How did you... even get into a relationship?

Zack: I broke my hand on mine and Dash's first date. At this point I firmly believe he's just afraid to leave me unsupervised.

Shadowsan: A valid concern

\----------------------------------------------------

Roundabout: call the Faculty, they aren't listening to me

Shadowsan: I'm not in charge of them

Roundabout: just do it  
  
  


Shadowsan: okay. Guys, sit down and listen to Roundabout.

Vile Faculty: [ immediately does as they're told ]

Roundabout:

Shadowsan: no listen LISTEN im not IN CHARGE-

\----------------------------------------------------

Bellum: ......you ever think about how you can have an aneurysm at any moment and die

Cleo:

Cleo: well..now i am..

\----------------------------------------------------

Brunt: have you been yelled at by Countess Cleo yet?

Roundabout: Im not scared of her

Maelstrom: ....well that's a ' no '

\-----------------------------------------------------

Countess Cleo: you said you had nothing to do with the prank. Are you lying to me?

Black Sheep: that depends on how you define lying

Cleo: well, i define it as not telling the truth. how do you define it?

Black Sheep: reclining your body into a horizontal position

Countess Cleo:

Black Sheep:

Countess Cleo: Get out

\------------------------------------------------------------

Zari: shut up.

Chase: I didn't even say anything?

Zari: you were thinking, and it was annoying

\------------------------------------------------------------

Zack: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?

Ivy: If you can ask them without the usual level of stupid.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Zack: Uh, I think I got your lunch. _[Holds up a note that reads: 'I am very proud of you. Love, Carmen']_

Player: Oh yeah. I didn't think this was for me. _[Holds up a note that reads: 'Be good. For the love of Zack, Please be good.']_

_\--------------------------------------------------------------------_

Countess Cleo: *does anything*

Dr. Bellum, drunk af: That's my _girlfriend_ BITCHES

Countess Cleo: Wife

Dr. Bellum: evEN BETTER!!!

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

Ivy: Oh my god, we lost Zack again! Can you find him?

Carmen: Do you think I have him microchipped or something?

Ivy: Well, do you?

Carmen: ....

Carmen: Yeah, hang on....

Player: Already tracking the chip Red.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

**THE CARMEN SANDIEGO CHARACTERS AS FAMILY FEUD**

Host: Real or fictional, name a famous Willy

Carmen: (confidently) Willy the Pooh

Player: Red no.....

Carmen: ...is that not his name?

Ivy: YOU NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW????

Carmen: No??????

Host: .........

================================

Host: During what month of pregnancy does a women start to show?

Maelstrom: September

Host: .....

Brunt: I though you were a Doctor?

Maelstrom: I have a DOCTORATE

Brunt: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE

Maelstrom: EVerYThInG bITcH

================================

Host: Name a small animal that people find as scary as a big shark.

Dr. Bellum: Spiders

Countess Cleo: Really Saira?

Dr. Bellum: I don't trust those skiddy bastards! Remember that one Wolf spider who jumped on me and then gave birth in my hair?????

Countess Cleo: As _horrifying_ as that was, not everyone shares your expirences!

===============================

Host: Name something a burglar wouldnt want to see when he breaks into a house.

Crackle: Naked Grandma!

Host: Naked what?

Le Chevre: I don't want to see that either

Tigress: No one does

==============================

Host: name a yellow fruit

Dr. Bellum: Orange

Host: ......

Roundabout: what

Dr. Bellum: I.....panicked

Countess Cleo: YOU HAVE THREE PHDS WHAT THE FUCK

============================

Host: Name something Russia is famous for

Chase: Russians.

Chief: ....

Julia: He's not wrong

=============================

Host: In this bad economy, what might Santa have to do with one of his reindeer?

Paper Star: Eat one.

Neal the Eel: uh love? That's.......uh

Dash Habor: ....

Maelstrom: This is why you're my favorite student

============================

Host: Name a part of the body that starts with "T"

Ivy: Titties

Shadowsan: You can't say that on TV!

Carmen: Is she wrong though?

Zack: We knew you were gay but DAMN

================================

Host: Name something only worn by children

Countess Cleo: (drunk) Clothes.

The Faculty: ......

Brunt: SAIRA DID YOU GET CLEO DRUNK AGAIN?

Dr. Bellum: _laughing her ass off_

================================

Host: Things to say that will always start a fight

Zack: Hey, you guys wanna start a fight?

Ivy: Yes, absolutely

Shadowsan: no

Carmen: meet me at 3pm, on the roof

Shadowsan: NO

==================================

Host: Name a kind of suit that is inappropriate to wear to work

Chase: Chicken Noodle

Zari: *laughter* you dumb bitch

===================================

Host: Name something London is famous for

Neal the Eel: Im thinking pasta?

Dash: London is in England Neal

Neal the Eel: .....oops

====================================

Host: Name something you might stick your finger in

Carmen: My girlfriend

Julia: 0_0

Carmen: I love you babe please dont leave me-

=====================================

Host: Name a kind of bear

El Topo: Papa

Le Chevre: _glares at the host, daring them to say Antonio's wrong_

Host: uhhhhhhhh _nervous squeak_ Correct?

El Topo: yay! OwO

==========================================

Host: Name a type of bean

Zari: Lesbian

Chief: oh no, not you too!

Zari: you know I had to do 'em Chief

============================================

Host: name something you squeeze

Zack: Peanut Butter

Ivy: He's not joking, he squeezes the can like a crush cup so he can lick all the peanut butter out

Player: _Brilliant_

Carmen: Player NO

===============================================

Host: If Batman got married, who do you think would not get an invitation?

Ivy: Joker

Zack: The Penguin

Carmen: His parents

Shadowsan: .....

Zack: .....

Ivy: .....

Player: ......

Carmen: At least we have that in common

Ivy: CARMEN

Player: RED NO

Shadowsan: Bold of you to assume I won't LEGALLY ADOPT YOU RIGHT NOW

Carmen: You do that Dadowsan

=====================================

Host: Name something made of wool

Mime Bomb: _miming_

Tigress: uhhhh, an animal?

El Topo: It's defiantly got four legs!

Le Chevre: a cow?

Tigress: oh, it's a SHEEP

Crackle: wait, wasn't that your sign for Black Sheep?

Mime Bomb: _nods_

El Topo: What's your sign for Carmen Sandiego?

Mime Bomb: _smiles and flips the bird_

All: _laughter_

Host: Is this how conversations with you guys always go?

Crackle: yeah, pretty much.


	22. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts part 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SEASON 3! SEASON 3! SEASON 3! SEASON 3! SEASON 3!

Chief: I have the sharpest memory! Name one time I forgot something important!

Chase: You left me in the Walmart parking lot, like, three days ago

Cheif: I did that on purpose, try again.

Zari: She said important, Chase.

\----------------------

Player: FIGHT ME!

Zack: Ha! Look at your size! What are you going to do, kick me in the ankle?

[later....]

Carmen: Why is Zack shaking on the ground and sobbing?

Ivy: Player kicked him REALLY hard in the ankle

\------------------

Neal: Can centaurs slap their own asses to go faster?

Dash: Alright that's it, I'm leaving you. I'm done.

\----------------------

Maelstrom: Does anyone know where my top is? I swear I left it right here-

Countess Cleo, without pausing her make-up application: Shadowsan joined Team Red

Maelstrom: 0_0

Brunt: *chokes on her drink*

\-----------------

Crackle: Oh FIDDLESTICKS!

Le Cherve: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language

\---------------------

Chase: why does everyone assume I'm going to do something stupid?

Zari: saves time

\------------------

Zack: A mosquito tried to bite me, so I slapped and killed it

Zack: which got me thinking

Zack: Poor dude was just trying to get food

Zack: What is I went to the fridge to get a snack and the fridge slammed the door shut and snapped my neck?

Zack: How would that make me feel?

Carmen: ....are you okay?

\-----------------------

Chase, drunk: Love is cheap....but this booze is cheaper

Julia, concerned and inspecting his bottle: ....sir, this is just vinegar

\-------------------

Carmen: Alright, what time does the judgement express get here at?

Ivy: Shadowsan gets here at noon

\---------------------

El Topo: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

El Topo: *lobs a water bottle at Tigress*

Crackle: Uhh...

Mime Bomb: *looks at them and shrugs*

Tigress: He's trying to yell mental health and well-being into us

El Topo: I LOVE AND APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

Le Chevre, on the verge of tears: It's working

\-------------------------

Shadowsan: I wish you'd admit it when you make a mistake

Maelstrom, stirring his coffee: Fuck you, I prefer it with salt

\----------------------

Carmen: How many Popsicles have you had today?

Zack, laying in a bed of Popsicle wrappers: Now is not the time to talk about my personal flaws as a human being.

\------------------

Roundabout: You're violent

Dr. Bellum: Yeah, but I'm short, so it's adorable

\----------------

Chase: Man, I screwed up big this time Chief!

Chief: Agent, given your daily experiences and track record, I'm going to need you to be more specific

\------------

Le Chevre: Wait, you mean I could have just TOLD Antonio I am in love with him?

Tigress: yeah?

Crackle: What did you do instead?

Le Chevre: I panicked and told him I was straight

Tigress: ....

Crackle: ....

Tigress: Dude, no one's gonna believe that

Le Chevre: Oh thank god

Crackle: No one except El Topo

Le Chevre: **FUCK**

\---------------------

Ivy: You were so drunk last night

Zack: No I wasn't

Player: Dude, you started cutting up pineapples at 3am, yelling "Stop hiding Spongebob! I know you're in there!"

Zack: ....

Zack: But did I find him?

\---------------

Crackle: Sheena has no survival skills, she replaced them all with her need to win

El Topo: That can't be true!

Crackle: Watch this

Crackle: Hey Tigress! Race you to the bottom of the stairs!

Tigress: *throws herself out the window*

\----------------

Crackle: Hey Coach, did you know that "thot" means "thoughtful person"?

Brunt: You operatives have such interesting slang terms

[later...]

Brunt: Thanks for helping me repair my comm, you're such a thot

Dr. Bellum, wheezing: I'm a WHAT

\--------------

Coach Brunt: Alright, we expect everyone to be ready for their mission and at the helicopter landing pad by 9am tomorrow morning

Crackle: What if we "accidentally" arrive late, or just don't want to go?

Dr. Bellum, without looking up from her screen, sounding dead serious: I'm afraid we would have to break your legs then

Maelstrom and Cleo: *start laughing*

\------------

Countess Cleo: Do you ever stop with your "I want to die" crap?

Maelstrom: I'll stop when I'm dead, that's for sure

\---------------

Brunt: I can't believe you and Saira broke the bed!

Maelstrom: You guys must have had a wild night

Cleo: ha, yeah...

[flashback]

Cleo: I bet you can't jump high enough to touch the ceiling

Dr. Bellum: you're on

\--------------

Paper Star: Why do people think I'm incapable of doing something nice?

Carmen: experience

\--------------

Player: The best method for coping with things you don't want to do is play dead

Ivy, intrigued: Does...does that actually work?

Player: well, no, but it does make me feel better

\-----------------

Tigress: If I died, how much do you think you would miss me?

Paper Star: It's cute that you think death will get you out of this relationship.

\---------------

Dr. Bellum: Couldn't you guys just TRY to see things from my perspective?

Coach Brunt: *drops down to her knees*

Maelstrom: *sits on the floor*

Countess Cleo: *crouches down*

Dr. Bellum: I will kill you all when you least expect it

\-------------

Dr. Bellum: What are you five?

Coach Brunt: yeah, five heads taller than you!

Bellum: ...

Brunt: ....

Bellum: *smiles calmly*

Brunt: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᵏᶦˡˡ ᵐᵉ

\----------------

Fans: and now, for a Gay Update from the Carmen Sandiego Characters

Carmen Sandiego Characters: getting gayer

Fans: Thanks guys

\-------------

Neal: I have to attend a fancy party

Neal: Can you teach me how to be a stuck up bitch?

Dash: rude

Dash: [sips wine]

Dash: but yes

\----------

Bellum: Cleo, I need to tell you something important

Cleo, checking the time on her watch: OK, but be quick

Bellum: ...I....I like you, but I don't know if you like me back

Cleo: ....

Bellum: ....

Cleo: Saira, we're getting married in 15 minutes

\---------------

El Topo: So what's the plan?

Tigress: Fuck shit up and don't die

Le Chevre: solid plan

\-------------

[Playing Dungeons and Dragons]

El Topo: I roll to steal Jean-Paul's heart!

Le Chevre: Babe, that's not how the game-

El Topo: *rolls a Nat 20*

Le Chevre: ....

Crackle, the Dungeon Master: You have a summer wedding, I am Le Chevre's best man, and Tigress is Antonio's Maid of Honor

\------------

Shadowsan: Every time I am in the same room as you people, I lose more brain cells

Ivy: You say "you people" like you're not one of us. Well TOO BAD BITCH, you're already on the Christmas card!

\--------

Roundabout: Now what do we say when life gets hard?

Brunt: Guess we gotta chuck it in the "Fuck it" bucket and move on

Cleo: NO!

Maelstrom and Bellum: **YES**

\-----------

Player: I am 34 Cheetos tall

Shadowsan: why would you measure your height in Cheetos?

Player: Because we were all out of Doritos

\------------

Julia: Do you ever feel bugs on you but there are no bugs?

Zari: Those are the ghosts of the bugs you killed

Julia: ....

Chase: Now look what you've done, you've scared her!

\--------------

Countess: What are you drinking?

Dr. Bellum: vodka

Countess Cleo: What the hell? Straight?

Dr. Bellum: nope, lesbian

Countess Cleo: NOT YOU, THE VODKA-

\---------------------------

(For those of you wondering 34 cheetos tall is about 4ft 9in)

**SEASON THREE IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**_I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!_ **

What do y'all want to see this season?

(I'm hoping for more Player content, Faculty content, a Julethief kiss and cute moments OwO, MAKING JEANTONIO CANON, Cleobellum content, and domestic Team Red! [and more!])


	23. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts part 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be warned!  
> Mentions of Season 3 Characters!

10 year old Black Sheep, having consumed enough caffeine to kill a god and crawling around on the ceiling:

w̴̡̨̜͔̣̫̪̻͒h̸̛̬̠̀͐̾͘͝e̵͓͚̬̓̂̈́r̸̛̩͆̍ë̴̡͉̳͓̓̓͜͠͝ ̴̨̡̯̪̯̱͇̅͂̔̐͛̈́́̆͜ä̷̛̱̖̹͉̥̭̼́͂̾̓̽̿̂ͅṙ̵̟̳͐̌̏͒͝͝͝ë̴̬̭͎̼͓̱͙́ͅ ̴̢̱̲̥̻̼͕̭̈́t̴̾͆̓̏͂̿̌̕ͅh̵̡̫̥͓̗͉̘̥͂̈́͝e̷̯̠͈̹̝̺̎͋̂̏̓̈́͒ͅ ̵̼̬́̔̆ͅf̴̨̥̤͔͔̦͂͜ͅr̴̈́͜e̷͎̼̹͈̱̹͛̆̌̒̏͋s̴̘͉͍̍̃h̶͉͎̬͕̮͍͎͗̄ ̶̛̙̼͓̥̙̼͍͇̊͒̌̔̿ć̵̢̧̯͔̝͊̊̃̍̇͠ḧ̷̨̢̻̰̙̰̞́̋̋̕i̸͔̠͋͂l̸̢̡̼̲̬̩̤͐̿̑d̸̛̤͋̅́͘̕r̸͚͚̮̋͆̏̑͂̀͘͘ȩ̸̮̈́̊̈͘͝ņ̶̢̧̫̩̥͗̐̃͗͛ ̷̛͍̮̾͛̑̚͠f̶̧̝̱̦̰̔͑̊̉̕ọ̵̧̟̥̞̥̜̓́̎̌̕̕͝͝r̵͍̝͔̫̣̰̹̰͌͗͋ ̵̘̭̩͙̂̇͜m̸̹͉̫̖̼̪̹̼̈́͂͆ę̵̡͚̯͚̌̾̍̚͘ͅ ̸̤͌ͅt̷͎̭̫̹̾͌͒͐ȏ̶̥̟ ̸̩̓́̈̆̕͝c̴̢͕̤̈́̐̓̋̄͐o̷̗͑̃̏͆̇̍͘͝n̸̢̦̘̳͓̓͊̃̈͑̋s̵̨̰̣̫͊͊̓̕͜͝͝u̴͓̭̟̍͌͆m̴̨̰̥̑͜e̸̡̩̪̤̪͑?̴̡͉̍̈́͑

Dr. Bellum, regretting letting her try her coffee: whatthefuckwhatthefuckWHATTHEFUCK-

\---------------------------------

Crackle: _gasp_

Crackle: IS SOY MILK JUST INTRODUCING ITSELF IN SPANISH????

Tigress _under her breath:_ What the Fuck

El Topo: I may not be prone to violence, but you have 10 seconds to run

\--------------------------------

Dash: It's called Fall because everything is falling! Like leaves, temperature, self-esteem-

Zack, mildly concerned: Are you okay?

\-----------------------------

Dr. Bellum: I wish I could block people in real life

Roundabout: avoid them by never leaving your room

Brunt: restraining order

Maelstrom: Murder

\------------------------------

Black Sheep: Hey Dr. Bellum, what does PEMDAS mean?

Dr. Bellum, barely paying attention: Please End My Depression And Suffering

Black Sheep: *genuine concern* I mean, mood, but-

Dr. Bellum: OH you mean MATH-

\---------------------------

Cookie: I know we don't always get along, but I got you a bath bomb for your birthday

Maelstrom: ....

Maelstrom: This is a toaster.

Cookie: I know what I said

\------------------------------

El Topo: Can I _please_ hug you?

Tigress: _sigh_ FINE, but only for 4 to 5 seconds

El Topo _Visibly excited:_ 45 seconds?!?!?

Tigress: wait NO-

\-----------------------------------

Julia: Woah, Carmen's so pretty.

Chase: Don't be jealous Ms. Argent, you're pretty too.

Julia: I'm not being jealous sir, I'm being gay.

\---------------------------

Ivy: Whenever a guy sleeps with lots of girls he is a "player" but whenever I do it I'm a "lesbian"

Player: I swear I haven't slept with anyone-

\--------------------------

Neal: The truth is, I only know one platonic friendship

Dash: You and me

Neal: Don't make me laugh love, you wanna hit this so bad

Dash: _snorts_ Yeah, with a shovel

\-----------------------

Brunt: Aren't you gay?

Cleo: I like how you imply that I have done something heterosexual. If so, I apologize.

\----------------------

Zack, lying awake in bed: Hey, are you asleep yet?

Ivy: Yes.

Zack: Oh, okay. I won't bother you then.

(3 hours later)

Zack: Wait a fucking second -

\----------------------------

Dr. Bellum: You know what I've always wondered? How do tall people like you actually sleep at night when the blankets can't possibly cover you from your shoulders to your toes?

Countess Cleo: Sweetheart, it's four o'clock in the fucking morning.

Dr. Bellum: So you can't sleep, huh?

Dr. Bellum, whispering: ... is it because of the blanket?

\------------------------------

Le Chevre: I started school with straight A's.

El Topo: (Walks by)

Le Chevre: Now I'm not even straight.

\-------------------------------

_Agent Zari doing a crossword_

Zari: I need a nine letter word for "disappointment"

Chief: Devineaux

Julia: ....

Chase: ....

Zari: it fits

\-----------------------------

Dash: boys are hot

Dash: girls are hot

Dash: why is everyone so hot???

Roundabout: Global warming

\------------------------------

Cookie Booker: GUNNAR! I'm going to kill you!

Maelstrom: I assume I deserve this, but can you tell me why you want to kill me this time?

\------------------------

Tigress: can you do me a small favor?

Paper Star: I would kill for you, but go on

\-------------------------------

The Troll: Did you have to stab him?

Spin Kick: You weren't there. You didn't hear what he said to me

The Troll: What did he say?

Spin Kick: "What are you gonna do? Stab me?"

Flytrap: That's fair

\--------------------------

Player: Do you think laundry detergents have different tastes?

Zack: They do.

Shadowsan, looking up from his tea with a sigh: Do I want to know why you say that with such certainty?

\---------------------------------

Countess Cleo: Who ate all the powdered donuts?

Brunt, staring at Dr. Bellum: I think I might have an idea

Dr. Bellum, covered in white powder: It wasn't me!

Countess Cleo: You're literally covered in the powder!

Dr. Bellum: ...It's cocaine

**-Later-**

Roundabout: Oh, the donuts were in the fridge

Coach Brunt:

Countess Cleo:

Maelstrom:

Countess Cleo: DR. SAIRA BELLUM-

\----------------------------------------

Tigress: I spy with my little eye....someone who needs to shut the fuck up

Crackle: ...Is it me?

Tigress: It's always you

\---------------------

Brunt: You don't want Maelstrom to die

Brunt: And I don't want Maelstrom to die

Brunt: So now we gotta make sure that Maelstrom doesn't want Maelstrom to die

Roundabout: Fantastic plan but have you met Maelstrom?

\-------------------------

Brunt: Hey, do you wanna hear a chemistry joke?

Dr. Bellum:

Brunt: Do you?

Dr. Bellum: I'm sorry, did you want a _reaction_?

Maelstrom, Cleo, and Shadowsan: _Groaning_

_\----------------------------------_

Zack and Ivy _: *Popping a bag of popcorn with a lighter at 3 am*_

Shadowsan _: *Walks in*_

Zack:

Ivy:

Shadowsan:

Zack: Let's be real, this is not the worst thing you've caught us doing

\-------------------------------

Carmen: You remind me of the ocean

Dash: Why? Because I'm deep and mysterious?

Carmen: No, because you're salty and you scare people

\--------------------------------------

Zari: Go crawl into a ditch and die

Chase: I hope you get hit by a bus

Chief: *Walks into the room*

Zari: Aren't we the best work partners?

Chase: Yep, the best!

Chief: *Smiles and leaves*

Zari: I'm going to push you off a cliff

Chase: Not if I push you off first

**\---------------------------**

Dash: I'm dating someone. I didn't know how to tell you, because I didn't know if you'd accept it or not-

Countess Cleo: Just rip it off like a band-aid

Dash: The Duke is my boyfriend

Countess Cleo:

Countess Cleo: Put the band-aid back on

\--------------------------------

Chase: Stop correcting me all the time!

Zari: Then stop being wrong all the time!

\-----------------------

Chief: Are you taken?

Julia: Yeah, for granted

\------------------------------

Unnamed ACME dude: What's the first thing you notice when a man approaches you?

Zari: The audacity

Chase: uh-

Zari: And Agent Devineaux has the most audacity of any man I have ever met

Chase:

Chase: should

Chase: should I feel honored or worried-

\--------------------------------

Shadowsan: How can you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there?

Maelstrom: What, is it rude? Am I supposed to share?

\-----------------------------------

Player: Your average pineapple, once peeled and cut, makes about 4.5 cups or 36 ounces of pineapple chunks

Player: Cans of pineapple come in a variety of sizes, the most common being 20oz and 46oz

Player: Meaning a single pineapple generally won't fill up a single can perfectly, which also means every time you eat pineapple from a can someone else has the can that has the rest of the same pineapple

Player: That means you can share a single fruit with a stranger hundreds of miles away and I think that's beautiful

Carmen: How much sleep are you getting?

Player: Not enough

\-----------------------

Cleo: Whatever you're thinking right now, stop it

Bellum: What are you talking about?

Cleo: You always make that face before saying something that pisses me off so, cut it ou-

Bellum: I love you

Cleo:

Bellum: And, also cereal qualifies as soup-

Cleo: I KNEW IT!

\--------------------

_So season 3 was awesome!_

_Can't wait for season 4!_


	24. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts part 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More mentions of Season 3 characters  
> They will be included like normal characters from now on

Chase: I'm responsible for my own happiness?

Chase: I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!

\------------------------

Shadowsan: You need to find a hobby

Maelstrom: I have a hobby!

Shadowsan: Being depressed isn't a hobby!

\-----------------------------

Carmen, _frantically_ : Why would you fill the first aid kit with Cheetos?

Ivy, bleeding to death: Zack and I thought it was funny at the time

\-------------------------------

Brunt: When you're angry, close your eyes and count to ten

Brunt: Throw a punch at eight, nobody expects that

\-----------------------------------

Marta Contreras: Drink the medicine!

Sonia: No, never. I'd rather throw up again, at least that would taste better!

Marta Contreras: It'll make you healthy again!

Sonia: I'll get healthy using my dumbass energy!

Marta Contreras: Oh my God, you devil child, just drink it!

Sonia: Say no to drugs kids!

\--------------------------

Roundabout: You've got to appreciate the little things in life

The entire Faculty: _*Hugs Dr. Bellum*_

_\----------------------------_

Zack: _*Knocks over his breakfast*_

Zack _:_ Aw man, all the ice cubes spilled out of my cereal

Shadowsan: I am begging you to get help

\----------------------------

Tigress: Can I get a glass of wine, please?

Le Chevre: Sheena, this is McDonalds

Tigress: Oh, I'm sorry...

Tigress: Can I get a McWine, please?

\------------------------------

Ivy: I'm done with my chores

Shadowsan: You did them?

Ivy: That's not what I said

\--------------------------------

El Topo: Paper Star would throw herself in front of a moving car for you

Tigress: What are you talking about? Tammy would throw herself in front of a moving car for fun

\----------------------------------

Dash: If you want something bad, you've got to work for it. It's time to break out the "P" word

Zack: Paul Blart: Mall Cop?

Dash: No, the other "P" word

Zack:

Zack: Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2?

Dash Jesus fucking Christ...

\----------------------------

Chase: Sometimes I feel okay and then I'm like "Oh, that was a nice forty-five seconds"

\-------------------------------

Dash: If one more person says I'm overly dramatic, I'm gonna light myself on fire

\------------------------------------

Neal: Handcuffs fucking hurt

Dash, _absentmindedly:_ Use silk rope next time

Neal: I highly doubt that I can convince the police to use silk rope Love

\-------------------------------------

Zari: "Tea is just leaf water!" "Coffee is just bean water!"

Zari: Wow, it's like everything is made of things

Zari: This door is just wood rectangle, this poster is just ink paper, this lemonade is just lemon water

Zari: Wow, it's like you can combine ingredients to make things that are more enjoyable than the initial parts of the equation

Zari: Sure is a magical world we live in

Chase: The sarcasm in this is fatal

\--------------------

Zari: Agent Devineaux looks at me the way all women would want to be looked at

Julia: Awww-

Zari: With fear in his eyes

\-------------------------

Maelstrom: I will ruin your happiness, no matter the cost!

Shadowsan: My happiness?

Shadowsan, to Carmen: I'm happy?

\-----------------------

Brunt: Isn't it weird how everyone sleeps differently?

Brunt: I sleep on my back

Brunt: Shadowsan sleep on his side

Brunt: Maelstrom doesnt sleep

Brunt: Cleo sleeps with Saira

\-----------------

Chase: Oh, come on! When have I ever put you in a dangerous situation?

Julia: Literally all the time!

Chase: Then you should be USED TO IT!

\-----------------------

Zack: If anyone ever tells you that you put too much parmesan cheese on your pasta, stop talking to them

Zack: You don't need that kind of negativity in your life

\----------------------

Maelstrom: Oh please, you wouldn't hurt a fly

Dr. Bellum: You're right

Dr. Bellum: Because a fly is an innocent, unsuspecting creature that never knowingly did anything to anyone

Maelstrom:

Dr. Bellum:

Dr. Bellum: You, however, I would maim

\------------------------

Dash: How long does a stick to deodorant usually last you?

Neal: About three or four bites

Dash:

Neal:

Dash: Why do I bother?

\--------------------------

Dr. Bellum, _getting a text:_ Oh, it's Gunnar

Roundabout: Did he get me the stuff?

Dr. Bellum: Yeah, he says he got you the clown costume, the power drill and twelve gallons of blood

Roundabout: Wow, where did he find twelve gallons of fake blood?

Dr. Bellum:

Dr. Bellum: You wanted fake blood?

\----------------------------

Shadowsan: Why is the fridge full of Girl Scout cookies?

Zack: You told us to go shopping

\--------------------------------

Dash _:_ Why is your back all scratched up?

Zack: _*Flashbacks to him chasing a racoon after Dash told him to leave it alone*_

Zack _, panicking:_ I'm having an affair

\--------------------------------------

Countess Cleo: Can you pass me the salt?

Maelstrom: Huh?

Countess Cleo: I need the salt

Maelstrom: The what?

Countess Cleo, _gritting her teeth_ : The ocean cocaine

Maelstrom, _passing her the salt_ : Sure

\--------------------------------------------

El Topo _, to Le Chevre:_ What does "BDSM" stand for?

Tigress, _walking past their bedroom:_ Being Dead Sounds Magnificent 

\-----------------------------------------------

Player: What you're doing is illegal!

Ivy: I'm not taking advice from you, you pronounce the "g" in lasagna!

Zack: he WHAT-

\----------------------------------------------

Flytrap: You can't spell "Cat" without "A"

Spinkick: Without a what?

Flytrap: Without "A"

Spinkick: Without a what?!

\------------------------------------

Dr. Bellum: Weird question, if you were a drink, what drink would you be?

Dr. Bellum: I'd totally be coffee

Cleo: the finest wine 

Maelstrom: Bleach

Maelstrom: maybe Sewage

Brunt: Please, calm the fuck down, edgelord

\----------------------------------

Tigress: You can't spell "school" without "I want to stab myself"!

Le Chevre, _whispering_ : Jesus fucking Christ...

\----------------------------------

Roundabout: What the fuck, Bellum?

Dr. Bellum: What?

Dr. Bellum: I've done a lot of things today that would get that reaction, please be specific 

\-----------------------------------

Le Chevre: Would you hurt your best friend for a million dollars?

Black Sheep: I'd roundhouse kick Crackle's head off for a single Cheeto 

\----------------------------------------

Roundabout: I'm gonna pluck you up, melt you down and make a fucking necklace!

Maelstrom: Yeah, I probably deserve it

Roundabout: Oh wait, shit. You don't make this fun cause you're sad!

Maelstrom: I'm always sad. That's just my thing

Maelstrom: Depression just drains your will to live, y'know

Roundabout: Well, now I just feel bad. Damnit

\----------------------------------------------

Player: What's your alignment?

Dr. Bellum: Chaotic

Player: Chaotic wha-

Dr. Bellum: CHAOTIC

\---------------------------------------------------

Player: I woke up

Carmen _:_ Umm... good job?

Player _:_ Thanks, I'm done for today

\--------------------------------------------------

Countess Cleo _:_ If you need me, I'm available 24/6

Roundabout _:_ Don't you mean 24/7?

Countess Cleo _:_ No, Saturdays are my hang-out-with-Saira days

\---------------------------------------------------

Neal _, about Spinkick:_ I got kicked in the head today by a tiny operative

Neal: He was 5'2 and I didn't think he could do it... I was very wrong

Flytrap: You deserved it for making fun of his height

\--------------------------------------------------

Black Sheep _, excitedly:_ Professor, say toast ten times!

Maelstrom, _after a long suffering sigh_ _:_ Toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast

Black Sheep _:_ Now, what do you put in a toaster?

Maelstrom _:_ A fork

Black Sheep _:_

Black Sheep: Um-

Brunt: STOP MAKING DEATH JOKES IN FRONT OF THE KID

\-----------------------------------------------

Maelstrom _:_ Getting a piercing is just a socially acceptable form of self-harm

Shadowsan _:_

Shadowsan _:_ Do you need another therapy appointment?

\-------------------------------------------------

_Spinkick has Chaotic Dumbass energy_

_Bellum and Player are online friends and you can pry this headcanon out of my cold dead hands_

_The new Season 3 characters are great, and Flytrap has totally carried Spinkick around before_

_The Faculty are one big dumbass family and I love them very much_

_Team Red is just Shadowsan and his crazy children_

_ACME has one braincell left after Julia ditched them and Zari has it 100% of the time_


	25. Requests List

_So back when I started this book, I opted to allow readers to make requests_

_I don't know how many of them I'll do, but I'm going to try my best to do all the ones I can. Just please understand I may not do your request, and I have the right to deny your request._

_This chapter has my compiled list of requests I am considering/working on. Any request I get THAT I AM WILLING TO DO will be added to this page_

**Carmen Sandiego Stories Request List**

-Cleobellum (misc)  
 _I have a new Cleobellum book in the works, all planned out. It's being worked on_  
  
-Dash x Zack (w/ the Duke)  
  
-Dash x Zack (on a date)  
  
-Jeantonio (misc)  
  
-Jeantonio (on a mission)  
  
-Carmen x Julia fluffshot

-Carmen and Player having a heart to heart

-Player fluff  
  
-A Mangokat "Team Red" based story  
 _Gotta get permission first LOL_  
  
-Carmen x Tigress 

-Carmen x Ivy fluff

-Chasezari

-Paper Star x Tigress (misc)  
  
-Cleobellum as operatives  
  
-Cleobellum adopting a kid  
  
-The next chapter in "The Other Side of the Border"

_I promise I'm working on it!_

-Finish "The Fine Art of Bullshit"  
 _For those of you who don't know, this is the next instillation in "The Flashdrive" series. This story is coming along well, though it will have a different layout_  
  
-More Crack

_ALWAYS!!!! More crack is on the way!!!  
_

\---------------------------------------

Feel free to leave requests, and I'll see what I can do

Love y'all!

~MagicPencil2


	26. Carmen Sandiego Crack part 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope season 4 comes out soon!
> 
> Credit to Striga on Discord for the "I am not immune to pretty women" line  
> (I quote that line at LEAST once a day)

Carmen: Trauma? Did you mean the reason I'm fucking hilarious?

\-------------------------------

Chase: Are you implying that I occasionally stray from the handbook?

Zari: I'm implying that you don't own a copy of the handbook, and if you do, you've certainly never opened it

Chase:

Chase: Fair point

\-------------------------------

Zack: My body screams "Vegetables" but my heart screams "Ice Cream"

Carmen: What does your brain say?

Zack: It just screams

Ivy: He has a brain?

\---------------------------

Player _:_ I need you to teach me how to become ten times more intimidating than I am

Shadowsan _:_ Ten times zero is still zero, Player

\------------------------------------

Le Chevre: Okay, yeah, I LOVE Antonio! I have loving feelings for Antonio. But does that mean I'm IN love with him? No-

Le Chevre:

Le Cherve: Oh my God, I'm in love with El Topo...

Le Chevre, to Crackle and Tigress: Why didn't you guys tell me?!

Crackle: We thought you knew mate

\------------------------------

Black Sheep: Brunt! I got you a nice, hot cup of coffee!

Brunt: It's cold?

Black Sheep: A nice cup of coffee

Brunt: It doesn't even taste good?

Black Sheep: Cup of coffee

Brunt: I'm not even sure if this is coffee

Black Sheep: Cup

Brunt: It's a bowl?????

\-----------------------

Maelstrom _:_ It's been a long-ass fucking week

Brunt _:_ I don't need to hear about what you and Shadowsan get up to in your bedroom

Maelstrom _:_

Maelstrom: I will fucking vanquish you 

\---------------------------

The Troll: I think I pulled a muscle

Flytrap: You can't pull what you don't have

\-----------------------------

Le Chevre: I have a problem

Paper Star and Tigress, _at the same time:_ Kill it

Le Chevre: Can you two chill for one second

\-------------------------------

Dr. Bellum: How are you ever going to marry a nice girl like Cleo, huh?

Black Sheep:

Black Sheep: Which one is it science guardian, marry a nice girl or someone like Cleo?

\--------------------------------

Roundabout: How many mental illnesses do you have?

Maelstrom: Enough to shout bingo at the psychiatrist office

\--------------------------------

Zack: You really think that this will work?

Player: No, not at all

Ivy: Then why the hell are we doing it?!

Carmen: It sounded fun

Ivy : We're all gonna die, aren't we?

Player: Of fun!

\------------------------------------

El Topo: That's a pretty rock

Neal: Thanks, Dash gave it to me

Dash: I THREW IT AT YOU!

Neal: He's sweet like that

\-----------------------------------

Carmen: No one will ever think of me as girlfriend material :(

Ivy: Are you sure about that?

Carmen: yes

Ivy, aggressively pointing at herself: ARE YOU FUCKING SURE????

\--------------------------------------

Zack: Hey sensei, can Ivy and I go ride our skateboards?

Shadowsan: Do whatever, I'm not your dad

*Zack and Ivy run off*

Shadowsan: NOT IN THE STREET!

\-------------------------------------

Maelstrom: I have an idea

Shadowsan: No murder

Maelstrom: ...I have no ideas

\--------------------------------

Shadowsan: I am, as the kids say, awake

Carmen: ...do you mean "woke"?

Shadowsan: yes, but that is grammatically incorrect

\------------------------------------

Brunt: Hitting the gym to release stress is not as effective as hitting the people who caused you the stress in the first place

The rest of the Faculty: _nervous sweating_

_\-----------------------------------------_

Spinkick: So Flytrap came up to me today and asked how I was doing

Spinkick: I couldn't decide between "I'm good" and "I'm okay"

Spinkick: I panicked and said "I'm gay!"

The Troll: ...isn't she your girlfriend?

Spinkick: I am not immune to pretty women

\--------------------------------------------

Ivy: You know Player, we're clever too!

Player: Oh yeah? What's the difference between a stalactite and a stalagmite?

Zack, narrowing his eyes: Don't fall for it Ives, he's just making up words!

\-------------------------------------------

Carmen, raising her voice so the redheads can hear her down the isle: Which chip brand do you guys want?

Zack and Ivy, at full volume: I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR DORITOS!

Shadowsan, horrified: **C H I L D R E N**

\----------------------

Bellum: Full fruit trees in random yards that I pass while driving are more tempting than any man will ever be

Brunt: This is why we all get kicked out of Eden, cause you dumb fucks cant follow the rules

\--------------------------

Carmen: What's Ivy's type?

Player: Gray eyes, nimble, kind, brownish red hair, oblivious, history lover

Carmen: Sounds kinda like me! Too bad we're just friends

Player: I mentioned oblivious right?

Carmen: yes?

Player: good, just checking

\---------------------------

Crackle: Im quick at math

Tigress: really? What's 28 x 56?

Crackle: 42

Tigress: That's not even close

Crackle: yeah, but it was quick

\------------------------------

Carmen: take me to the art museum and make out with me

Ivy: But they said not to touch the masterpieces!

Zack: Did you just-

Ivy: But you know Carm

Ivy: Someone's gotta pin the artwork to the wall

Zack: IVY NO

Carmen: IVY YES

\-------------------------------------

Paper Star: Hey, is this spot taken?

Tigress: Did you just point to my lap?

Paper Star: That doesn't answer my question kitty cat~

\------------------------------------

Le Chevre: You're stupid

Crackle, laughing: That's it?

Le Chevre: give it time, it will eat at you

_One hour later_

Crackle: .....

Crackle: Am I stupid?

Tigress: Yeah, most of the time, why?

Crackle, muttering: Damn him

\--------------------------------------

Carmen: What are you doing?

Ivy, hanging upside down on the monkey bars: ...trying to kiss you?

Carmen, laughing: You're going to fall

Ivy: ...

Ivy: Shut up and kiss me, I'm getting light headed

Carmen, kissing her lightly on the lips: As you wish

\----------------------

Bellum: Being 5' 1" is so hard sometimes-

Cleo: Yeah, I remember being 14 and not able to reach anything-

Bellum: (ง'̀-'́)ง

\----------------------

The Duke, trying to maintain his cover: I'll steal everything Haber, do not test me

Dash, desperate to prove he's fake: You won't steal my heart

The Duke: You look stunning today

Dash, quietly: Fuck...

\----------------------

Ivy: I wasn't sure what kind of chocolate you liked, so I got them all

Carmen: Ivy, there's like...300 boxes here?

Ivy: I panicked, okay??? Valentine's Day is STRESSFUL!

\-------------------------------

Cleo: Brunt, I'm pansexual, but I prefer women

Brunt: What???

Bellum: I also like women

Brunt: OH MY GOD IS THERE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE WHO LIKES MEN???

Maelstrom: I do

\---------------------------------

Bellum, holding a large box: Cleo, what would you say if I came home one day with 6 kittens?

Cleo:

Cleo: What's in the box

Bellum:

Cleo: Sweetheart, what's in the box?

Bellum: I think you already know...

\-----------------------------

_Spinkick, Flytrap, and The Troll are all from the same year, are friends, and lived in the same dorm. Also Flytrap and Spinkick are dating._

_No, I do not take constructive criticism._

_jk jk, I love you all_

_Have some CarmIvy, because it's cute and support my friends ships_

_Hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
_


	27. Crack- carmen Sandiego shitposts part 17

Julia: Is there anything you can't do?

Carmen: Gather up all my courage and ask you out?

Julia: what?

Carmen: what?

\----------------------

Cleo: I am very upset, and nothing can make me feel better right now

Maelstrom:

Cleo: No

Shadowsan:

Cleo: guys dont you dare

Brunt: _Carries a sleepy-looking Dr. Bellum into the room bridal style and deposits her on Cleo's lap_

Cleo, fighting back a smile: damnit

\------------------------------

Tigress: Love is dumb

Paper Star: *skips past, covered in blood* Hey kitty~

Tigress, immediately love struck: I am the dumbest bitch alive

\-------------------------

Maelstrom: I hate being touched

Maesltrom: the last time I was touched was 1998 and it wasnt my choice

Brunt: Saira is literally hugging you right now?

Maesltrom: She doesnt count

Bellum: 🥰

\----------------------------

Roundabout: You played me like a fiddle!

Maesltrom: No Nigel. Fiddles are actually difficult to play. I played you like the cheap kazoo you are.

\----------------------------

Chase: have you ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Zari, not looking up: No

Chase, genuinely surprised: HOW?!

Zari, shrugging: I dont know, I just never got asked

Chase, muttering: But you're so beautiful....

Zari, looking up: what?

Chase: what?!

\-----------------------------

Flytrap: I have total faith in you

Flytrap, turning to The Troll: There is a 60% chance he's going to get into a fight

Spinkick: I can STILL hear you, and I'm just going grocery shopping, thank's for the vote of confidence!

\-------------------------------

Tigress: I'm not here to make friends

El Topo, already making friendship bracelets: So you say...

\-----------------------------

The Troll: Did you have trouble with Professor Maelstrom's homework?

Spinkick: Nah, it was a piece of cake

The Troll: ....you didn't even do it did you

Spinkick, flashing him a peace sign: I don't even no where my books are

\-------------------------------

Roundabout: I sleep with a gun under my pillow

Maelstrom: Weak. I "sleep" with a dozen knives

Cleo: you're both pathetic

Roundabout: Yeah, what do you sleep with?

Cleo: Saira

\---------------------------------

Bellum: holy fuck, vampires are pale because they're anemic

Cleo: did you only just realize this? They also suck blood because they cant get vitamin D from the sun

Bellum, _yelling at a very confused Maelstrom who wasn't listening to their conversation_ : take a multivitamin you melodramatic Victorian appropriating ethereal dumbass!

\-----------------------------

Maelstrom: Did you just...agree with me?

Cleo: oh dear god, I wish I could take it back-

Maelstrom: Nope! You said it! NO TAKE-BACKS!

\------------------------------------------------

Cookie Booker: Why are you such a dick?

Maelstrom: I dont know, I think it must have been may factory settings

\--------------------------------------

Dr. Bellum: I don't need to go to bed, I'm not tired. I'll be fine

Cleo: But darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again

Dr. Bellum: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into a healthy sleep schedule?

Cleo: is it working?

Dr. Bellum: .........yes

\---------------------------------

Maelstrom: Black Sheep's crying, what do I do?

Brunt: Go comfort her

Maelstrom: How do I do that?

Brunt: Start with hugs

Maelstrom: with what?

\-----------------------------------------------

Maelstrom to the new students: I am under no obligation to make sense to you

\--------------------------------------------------

Brunt: this can't get any worse, can it?

Maelstrom: sure it can-just give me a minute

\-------------------------------------

Dr. Bellum: Are you there?

Maelstrom: physically? Yes. Mentally is debatable

\------------------------------------------

_Photos taken right before disaster_

Cookie Booker: Are you even listening to me?

Maelstrom: yes, it just takes me a while to process that much stupid at once

\------------------------------------------

Countess Cleo: I feel a spree coming on

Countess Cleo: It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet

\------------------------------------------------

Maelstrom: eww feelings

\---------------------------------------------

Julia: CARMEN! Get down from there!

Carmen, on the roof: Nope!

Julia: I'm going to call the police

Carmen: Go ahead, I'll fight them!

Julia: I have cookies

Carmen, jumping down and grabbing the cookies: I totally would have fought them

Julia: I know you would have

\-----------------------------------

Maelstrom: oh no

Brunt: what is it? what happened? who died?

Maelstrom: i think i just felt an emotion

Brunt: you have the capacity to do that?

\------------------------------------

Ivy: What are you doing??

Zack: ....eating?

Ivy: we're being held hostage and you decide to raid the kitchen?

Zack: they didn't say the fridge was off limits!

\---------------------------------

Maelstrom: It's not my purpose here to judge you

Black Sheep: That's literally all you do, all the time

Maelstrom: It may not be my purpose but I do enjoy it as a pastime

\-------------------------------------------

Chase: why are you glaring at me?

Zari: im hoping you'll spontaneously combust

\---------------------------------------

Maelstrom: you really think this is a smart idea?

Roundabout: no?

Maelstrom, about to start another fight with Cookie Booker: good, I'd be concerned if you did

\-------------------------------------------

Paper Star: Is there anything more relaxing than setting something on fire?

Le Cherve: A lot of things???

\--------------------------------------------------

Countess Cleo: If you do that again, I'll throw you out that fucking window you-what are you doing?

Maelstrom: Checking how high the drop is to see if it's worth it.

\------------------------------------------------

Shadowsan: Should I ask why you have a knife in your purse?

Cookie Booker: It's a dagger, and no, you shouldn't

\------------------------------------------------

Roundabout: Do you even understand what the words "self-preservation" mean?

Maelstrom, brewing his coffee with vodka: Yeah, it's the property of jams and jellies

\----------------------------------------------

El Topo: Smiles are contagious🥰

Maelstrom: Don't worry, I'm vaccinated

_\-----------------------------------------_

Bellum: That candle smells like Fireball!

Cleo: Us non-alcoholics prefer to call that _Cinnamon_ Saira

Bellum: Says the women who drinks spiked tomato juice every morning

Cleo: IT'S CALLED A BLOODY MARY AND IT'S CLASSY

_\---------------------------------------_

Cleo: How can people say Saira is evil? Look at her, she's such a sweetheart, the most precious soft little soul

Dr. Bellum, wiping blood off her face: Yeah, I'm ADORABLE

\--------------------------------

Brunt: I personally find Saira adorable and tiny, not to mention easy to pick up

Dr. Bellum, squirming in Brunt's arms above the ground: Just because I am shorter than you doesn't mean you can make fun of my height!

Brunt, swaying her side to side: Awww aren't you just the cutest?

\------------------------------

_The Faculty all agrees Saira is an adorable disaster. I just want Brunt to carry her, the Coach is 13in taller than her LOL._

_Also Cleobellum is life_


	28. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts part 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was created before Season 4, so there is no Season 4 spoilers

Maelstrom: At least I'm going to die doing something I love

Roundabout: ......and that is?

Maelstrom: Dying

\----------------------

Le Chevre: no fears here

El Topo: *thinking everyone looks down on him*

El Topo: *not understanding how loved he is*

Le Chevre: I AM OVERWHELMED WITH FEARS

\------------------------

(Player trying to be spooky like-)

Player: _spins around in his chair ominously_ "I've been expecting y-"

_Chair continues to spin_

Player: shitshitshitshit

_He tries to stop spinning, grabs the edge of his desk and falls out of his chair_

\---------------------------

Zack: 5 women who will ruin your life

1) Ivy

2) My sister

3) Team Red's Mechanic

4) The Bostonian women who works with Carmen Sandiego

5) The lead repairswomen on Lydia the racecar

Zack: Ivy, if you're reading this

Zack: Give me back my heelies or I'll swap all your shampoo with molasses

\--------------------------------

Neal: move it Dashie, you're blocking the view

Dash: EXCUSE YOU, I am the view

\-------------------------------

Chief: So, you want to tell me how you crashed another ACME car?

Zari: We were on the road, and a deer ran into the center of the lane, but Devineaux wasn't slowing down so I said "Chase, deer."

Chase:

Chief: And how did you respond Agent Devineaux?

Chase:

Chase: "Yes honey?"

\-------------------------------

Zack: Sup Dadowsan!

Ivy: Heya Ninja-dad

Player: Good morning Shadowdad

Carmen: Hi dad

Hideo: wait, how many children do you have???

Shadowsan: Emotionally, biologically, or legally? Because there **is** a difference.

\-------------------------------

Cleo, staring at her phone: Dash, I have a question.

Dash, looking up: Yes Countess?

Cleo: What does "thicc" mean? It has two c's

Dash, sweating nervously: Uh, well uh, it-it kinda means, um that like...i guess it means you have a nice butt

Cleo:

Dash:

Cleo, squinting at the screen, whispering: What the **FUCK** Saira

\--------------------------------

Le Chevre: would you slap Gray for $2 Million?

Tigress: I'd roundhouse kick him in the face for free

Gray: Does anyone else feel unsafe here? Because I'm feeling kinda unsafe

\---------------------------

Zari: Chase, what are you doing?

Chase: I am confronting the person who ruined my life

Zari:

Zari: You're yelling at a mirror

\---------------------------

Paper Star: Yes, I have flaws. I read past curfew, I spend to much time on my origami

Paper Star: occasionally I'll murder someone, but hey, no one's perfect

\--------------------------

Tigress, mumbling: I really want to kiss you...

Paper Star: What?

Tigress, panicking: Uh, I said "If you die I won't miss you!"

\--------------------------

Shadowsan: Name a way to be nice to others

Maelstrom: Don't stab them

Shadowsan: ....

Shadowsan: Setting the bar a little low, but I'll allow it

\-------------------------------

Neal: I love you

Mime Bomb, miming: _Wrong number_

Neal: You're standing right here

Mime Bomb, still miming: _Wrong address_

Neal: Wait wha-

Mime Bomb, already walking away: _Leave a message at the sound of the beep_

\----------------------------------

Bellum: BRUNT! ROUNDABOUT IS IN THE LAKE AND I DON'T THINK HE'S WATERPROOF!

Brunt: What???

Cleo, not looking up from her phone: She means Roundabout is drowning.

Brunt: Oh, okay.

Brunt:

Brunt: Wait WHAT-

\-----------------------

Shadowsan: Having someone or something to care about can improve one's mental health

Maelstrom: Like a kid?

Shadowsan:

Shadowsan: Well, yeah, but I was thinking more like a plant or-

Maelstrom: 'Cause we already have Black Sheep and I dont see how she's improving _ANY_ of our mental health

\----------------------------

Dash: bitches be like "ooh I love Zack with his cute freckles and his disgustingly comfortable hugs"

Zack:

Dash: It's me, I'm bitches

\-------------------------

Gray: Carmen, are you free at 8pm tomorrow night?

Carmen: yes?

Gray: How about you Julia?

Julia: yes, i am

Gray: GREAT! Cause I'm not! You two go on without me, enjoy your date

_Gray walks away_

Julia:

Carmen: Did

Carmen: Did he just

\-----------------------

Chase, singing along to the raido: IM TOO HOT!

Chase: _points at Zari_

Chase: **:D**

Chase: **:D**

Chase: **:D**

Chase: **:D**

Zari: _sighs_

Zari, monotone with a deadpan expression: Hot damn

Chase: CALL THE POLICE AND THE FIREMAN

\-------------------------------

Commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. Talk to your doctor today!

El Topo, _hurriedly calling Dr. Bellum:_ hey, are you suffering from depression? Because we're here for you if you need us

Dr. Bellum: ????

\----------------------------

Carmen: I want to show you a picture from last that really upset me

Zack: Okay, but in my defense, Player bet me 50 cents I couldn't drink all that shampoo

Carmen: That's not what I wanted to-

Carmen: YOU DRANK WHAT???  
\-------------------------------

Zari: _trips and falls off the last step_

Chase: _catching her_ I think you just

Chase:

Chase:

Chase:

Chase: fell for me

Zari: put me down

\----------------------------

El Topo: _making friends with the new operatives_

Le Chevre: why are you like this?

El Topo: aww, come on Jean, I know you love me!

Le chevre: _jokingly_ What ever gave you that idea?

El Topo:

Le Chevre:

El Topo: _sniffles_

Le Chevre: !!!!

Le Cherve: wait IM SORRY I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT I LOVE YOU

\--------------------------

Chase: I'm going to eat this entire jar of salsa and no one can stop me!

Julia: Zari

Chase: ....one person can stop me

\--------------------------

Mime Bomb: _idk how to tell you this, but...._

Mime Bomb: _you're in love with me_

Neal: ...what?

Mime Bomb:

Neal: oh my god, I AM

Dash: what..... What kind of confession did I just witness??

\---------------------

El Topo: We can't kill him!

Tigress: Well, not with that attitude we can't

\------------------------

Carmen: Here, I need you to hold this for me

Ivy: That's your hand?

Carmen: Exactly ;)

\------------------

Neal: Hey Mimey

Mime Bomb: _looks up_

Neal: Breathe if you like me

Mime Bomb:

Neal:

Mime Bomb:

Neal: I can see you turning blue under your face paint-

\--------------------------

El Topo: ugh, I hardly slept last night

Gray: when you can't sleep, it means someone's thinking about you

El Topo: Who would be thinking about me at 3am???

Le Chevre: _Silent gay panic_

\---------------------------

Brunt: Describe Dr. Bellum in one word

Maelstrom: Short

Roundabout: Inventive

Cleo: Mine

Everyone:

Bellum: That's right bitches, back the fuck off

\------------------------

**Sometimes, Spinkick is like:**

Spinckick: Do you have a lover?

Flytrap: My love life is a mess

Spinkick: I'm a mess, can I be your love life?

Flytrap: That was smooth AF

**And other times, he's like:**

Flytrap: You have beautiful eyes

Spinkick: Thanks, I need them to see

\----------------------------

Le Chevre: I hate myself

El Topo: That's okay

Le Chevre: ?

El Topo: I'll just have to love you for both of us until you an love yourself

\----------------

Julia: Chase, if you are reading this-

Chief: Can Agent Devineaux read?

Julia:

Julia: Zari, if you are reading this to Chase-

\------------------------------

Gray and Zack: -2, 1! Happy New Year! *kissing*

Shadowsan: It's not even midnight, stop making out every time the microwave goes off

\------------------------------

Tigress: _applying chapstick_

Paper Star: What flavor is that?

Tigress: Oh, it's cherry, wanna try some?

Paper Star: sure

Tigress: _hands her the chapstick_

Paper Star: _leans in and kisses her_

Paper Star: Ooo, it really does taste like cherries

Tigress: **_Tigress.exe has stopped functining_**

\----------------------------------

Chief: Can you describe the people who shot at you?

Chase: Yes, they weren't very nice

\-----------------------------------

Crackle: I guess you can say I'm kind of a chicken magnet

Black Sheep: ...don't you mean a chick magnet-

_The distant sounds of clucking gets louder_

Crackle: we have to go NOW

\-------------------------------------

Ivy: Where are you?

Zack: I told you, I'm at the grocery store

Ivy: Swear you're not at Chuck E Cheese again?

_Skee ball alarm goes off in the background_

Zack: ...yes?

\--------------------------------------

Cleo: I'm sorry I let you go

Saira: _scowls_

Cleo: It's just that we've been cuddling for over 12 hours, and I really needed to use the bathroom

Saira: _scowls harder_

\----------------------------------------

Slipped in some ships I don't usually cover

_Slimebomb is growing on me, and so is Cracklebomb_  
_(Thanks to the Carmen Sandiego Discords)_

_Zackle was there for the meme and as a request_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will still be writing Carmen Sandiego fancfiction even though the show has ended, and keeping up with the crack!
> 
> If you have any specific ships you want to see crack or oneshots of, please comment!
> 
> There will be nothing Season 4 based posted until Feburary, and please dont spoil anything in the comments for those who may not have finished the season (this includes me LOL)


	29. Crack- Carmen Sandiego Shitposts part 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Because it is now February, I will start including characters and moments from Season 4. This will contain minor spoilers, so if you have not watched the last season yet, get to it you slacker XD

Brunt: Dr. Bellum won't leave her lab, what do I do?

Maelstrom: Uh, text her something scientifically inaccurate

Brunt: Okay

_Two minutes later_

Bellum, slamming the door to the Faculty room open: DID YOU JUST ASK ME IF THE SUN WAS A FUCKING PLANET??????

\---------------------------

Roundabout: So, Gunnar, tell me about yourself

Maelstrom: I get jealous of my phone when it dies

\-------------------------------

Sonia: Hi, my name is Sonia! And you are?

Xifeng: apparently not as straight as I thought

\-----------------------------------

Carmen: Now, I'm not mad, but why do you have a fake ID?

Player: _mumbling_

Carmen: What was that?

Player: ...you need to be over 18 to hold the puppies at PetCo

\------------------------------

Zack: I guess you could say I've...fallen for you

Dash: You just rolled down an entire flight of stairs how are you even alive?

\--------------------------

Paper Star: SAY YOU'RE SORRY

Crackle: I'M SORRY

Paper Star: AND WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR?!

Crackle, sobbing: FOR SAYING YOU'RE AGRESSIVE

\-----------------------------

Coach Brunt: Going with plan B?

Dr. Bellum: Technically, it would be plan G

Roundabout: How many plans do we have? Is there like, a plan S?

Dr. Bellum: Yeah, Maelstrom dies in plan S

Countess Cleo: I like plan S

Professor Maelstrom: fuck off 

\-------------------------------

Antonio: I'm cold

Jean-Paul: Here, have my jacket

Tigress: I'm cold too

Paper Star: _set the room on fire_

\------------------------

Lady Dokuso: If you ever feel safe, just remember that I'm out there ;)

\-------------------------

Dr. Bellum: I hate when people ask me to "explain my thought process" like, hell if I know

Dr. Bellum: "What's going on in that head of yours?" Nothing I want to be a part of, THAT's for sure

\----------------------------

Julia, picking up her phone: Chase, I'm at work

Chase: If I drink 36 consecutive cans of Redbull, will it heighten my senses or will it just kill me?

Julia:

Julia: I'm on my way

\----------------------------

Player: Why are your tounges' purple?

Ivy: We had slushies! I had a blue one

Carmen: And I had a red one

Player: oh

Player: 

Player: OH

Zack: 

Zack: You drank each other's slushies?

\--------------------------------------

Neal: You consider me a friend?

Mime Bomb: _Sure, what else would I call you?_

Neal: I don't know, an embarrassment? A way to rebel against your parents? A desperate cry for help? The possibilities are endless love

\----------------------------------------

Chase: Here's a list of the suspects I've put together so far

Zari: ...Devineaux, you're name's on this list

Chase: I don't remember where I was last Friday night, therefore I have no alibi. I have been tailing myself for the past three days

\--------------------------------------------

Xifeng: Here's the plan, I'll push him overboard, and you say it was an accident

Sonia, already in love: I'm in

\--------------------------------------------- 

Black Sheep: _holding up a crucifix_

Professor Maelstrom: For the last time, I am NOT a vampire!

Black Sheep: _slowly puts the bottle of Holy Water down_

\-------------------------------------------

Carmen: Here's a list of things I am handling well in my life right now

1)

\-----------------------------------------------  
 _Ivy after joining ACME_

Ivy: So, what do you guys do? Like, what's your specialty?

Chase: I'm the best at car chases and I have solved many high profile cases!

Zari: I can dismember a body with 27 different tools, locate suspects in 24 hours, and interrogate even the toughest villains.

Julia: I can make good life decisions and keep us out of trouble.

Ivy: That's not-

Chase: Trust me she's the most important person on this team

\----------------------------------

Cookie Booker: The quickest way to a man's heart is through the fourth and fifth ribs

\-------------------------------------

Carmen: I'm interviewing possible candidates to join our team

Carmen: So Sonia, tell me about yourself

Sonia: I'm gay, good at stealing, and have authority issues

Carmen: You're hired

\------------------------------------- 

Julia: I panic when people compliment me

Julia: I just don't know what to say

Chief: Great job out there in the field Miss. Argent

Julia, panicking: MERRY CHRISTMAS

\-----------------------------------

Zack: There is no "I" in team, but there is one in "pizza"

Ivy: So you're not going to share?

Zack: Absolutely not

\-------------------------------------

Crackle: If I die, my funeral is going to me a massive party and you're all invited

Le Chevre: If?

Black Sheep: Great, the first party I've ever been invited too and he might not even die

\--------------------------------------

Mime Bomb, handing Neal a piece of paper and an orange: _Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of oranges!_

Neal: Mimey, you only gave me one orange?

Mime Bomb: _cocks shotgun_

\----------------------------------

Spinkick: How do I look?

Flytrap: Like an idiot

Spinkick: Perfect

\---------------------------------

Cookie Booker: Everything will be alright

Roundabout: How can you say that?

Cookie Booker: Because sometimes things get tough and denial is all we have left

\------------------------------------------

El Topo: Wait, you really believe me?

Le Cherve: Antonio you are the only morally good person on this island. I'd believe you if you told me cartoon animals did your hair this morning

\------------------------------------------

Countess Cleo: Saira? You're still awake?

Dr. Bellum: It's not that late

Countess Cleo: It's 2am

Dr. Bellum: It's not that late

Countess Cleo: ....what time do you usually go to bed?

Dr. Bellum: Until 5am

Countess Cleo: Don't you get up at 7am?

Dr. Bellum: Until 5am

\---------------------------------------

Lady Dokuso: I'd never say my wife is a bitch and that I don't like her

Lady Dokuso: My wife is a bitch and I love her so much!

Cookie Booker: Thanks dear

\-------------------------------------

Crackle: Is this seat empty?

Tigress: Yes, and if you sit down, this one will be too

\---------------------------------

The Faculty: We raised a world class thief

Shadowsan: You fucked up a perfectly good child! Look at her, she's got anxiety!

\-----------------------------------

Carmen: I'm really bothered by the fact gay marriage is illegal in some places because people think it's "disgusting". I think peas are disgusting but you don't see us making them illegal now do you?

Player: What's wrong with you, peas are delicious

Ivy: Gay people are delicious too

Carmen: No dessert for you until you eat all your gays!

Shadowsan, just walking in: .....what?

Carmen, deadpan: Be quiet and eat your gays

\----------------------------------

Zack: That's one of my greatest fears

Player: What is?

Zack: If I regenerate as a large pizza...

Player: Would you eat yourself?

Zack: I wouldn't even hesitate

\--------------------------------------------

Coach Brunt: Safety googles are for nerds

Dr. Bellum: They're useful if you want to have nerd things

Dr. Bellum: like EYES

Coach Brunt: Shut up nerd

\----------------------------------

_The Faculty are tired parents and you can't change my mind_

_They meant to train operatives but instead adopted a shit ton of children instead_

_Brunt is mother material, Dr. Bellum thinks she'd be a bad mom but already treats many of her favorite operatives like her kids, Countess Cleo totally hates little kids but doesn't mind helping her wife, I mean Saira, with her "kids". Maelstrom will deny it but he's rather protective of his students and genuinely likes some of them (like El Topo and Paper Star), and Shadowsan is literally Dadowsan. Enough said._

_5 moronosexuals trying to raise their kids. They may be evil but they are trying and I stan that._

_What a show_

Also, I recommend checking out the work below, written by my friend BreeMarie12256 on AO3. It brings up a lot of points that I feel need to be addressed, and I am in the process of deciding whether to make my own PSA or not.

<https://archiveofourown.org/works/29185422>

Love y'all!

**Author's Note:**

> Check out this tumblr for more incorrect quotes and to see some of your favorites from this book!
> 
> https://incorrect-carmen-sandiego-quotes.tumblr.com/
> 
> I do not own this tumblr account or take credit for any of the quotes other than the ones you see in this book. The owner is super cool though, so you should go check them out!


End file.
